To All the Chili I've Made Before

One of the best foods in the world is chili. Being from Texas I have a love of chili that most other parts of the country can't comprehend. In Texas we have three different styles of chili. The first is non-Texan chili which anyone can handle if you do not have a heart condition. If you have a heart condition then we need to get you some clam chowder because this stuff will stop your heart faster than jumping in a frozen lake in February. The second type is toddler chili which we give to our kids to help them acclimate to what chili is supposed to be like. Granted, most people find it alarming that this chili can also be used to clean the bugs off the grill of your pickup but we do things a little different in the Lone Star State. The last kind is just called Texas Chili or as non-Texans call it – “Good Lord That Feels Like Lava Going Down!” Since I live in Tennessee I have to make sure I make mine so that it doesn't eat through the pan if I want any sissy around here to try it. So boring. Even though it is whimped down I thought I would share some of my chili making experiences with you.

My standard chili consists of ground turkey, pinto beans, black beans, chili beans and tomatoes. Now if you eat this chili without the benefit of Beano I refuse to take the blame when your house is surrounded by the toxic waste unit of Homeland Security. I have written about Beano so you can read about it if you want; but let's just say this stuff creates gasses within you that has a delicate bouquet due to the three types of beans. They really mix well and make you the star of the light your fart contest. Make that the flame thrower of the light your own fart contest.

I have also made a white chicken chipotle chili that has won awards and received rave reviews. OK that might be an exaggeration but my ex-wife liked it. Basically it is a little boring compared to my regular chili since it only has navy beans in it. But if you mix those beans with chipotle chilies it can add an interesting feature to your flatulence. Chipotles are smoked jalapenos that are really very tasty. Now the smoky flavor adds a smoky smell to the stinky stuff that you produce. Try it. You'll like it. Well maybe not like it but won't hate is as bad as the next kind.

My most recent attempt at chili was truly something special. I had been given some ground deer meat that I decided to use in a big batch of chili. I took a big bag of pinto beans and soaked them overnight in beer. Then I made a batch of chili with the deer, the beans, two bottles of porter beer, tomatoes and chipotles. Now I did not think I had a sensitive stomach. Granted middle age has made my morning chili cheese dogs something that, although not fatal, as made me wish for death. But this stuff is dangerous. The gas produced was something that defies explanation; but let me just say I need to repaint my walls due to every bit of paint pealing off. That was not the real problem. Have you ever had a colonoscope? The preparation for that procedure involved purging all the poop. The stuff you have to drink is not fun. Guess what I discovered? That chili is tastier and works better than the Moviprep I had to take for mine. I don't want to be to graphic here but if you have seen the movie Apollo 13 you know what the Saturn 5 rocket looks like. I know how the rocket felt!

If you would like to try my Devistating Deer Chili let me know soon. It may not be available much longer because I am talking to the military right now because they want to buy to use to defend our country as a biological weapon!