Mugs

It is embarrassing for me to admit to this because hopefully you have read enough of my blogs to come to the conclusion that I am eccentric and have lots of quirks and idiosyncrasies that make me someone who is interesting to hang out with but also someone you would never want to live with due to the insanity factor. My pet albino pigmy armadillo will testify to the dangers of that once we let him out of that cute little straight jacket. But one of my few normal features is – I cant believe I'm admitting this – that I like my morning cup of coffee. Please don't judge me to harshly.


There is nothing like a hot cup of fully caffeinated java to get the day going. Add in a packet of Splenda and some vanilla creamer and then you're really talking! Now just so that you don't worry that I am becoming normal (perish the thought!) let me reassure you that I have found a way of enjoying something as mundane as coffee in a way that will alleviate your fears that I am becoming a regular person. You should see some of the mugs I use!


If you see me at the office, you will not be the least bit impressed with my mug. Trying to blend in with the wildlife around the copier (that is not a figure of speech – they are wild!) I have taken on a form of corporate camouflage and use a cup that could be found in any office. Little do they know about the radioactive ceramic ware that has tiny carbon based living microchips which were used in creation of my mug. It is slowly transforming me into Copier Man! Able to leap red tape in a single bound!


At home is where I keep my cool mugs. I have an awesome Doctor Who mug that has a Tardis that disappears when warm liquids are placed inside. Yes, it is as cool as a bow tie! I am working on my coffee slurping sound as I try to make the sound of the Tardis engines while enjoying my freshly ground coffee. You should have heard it the other day when I slurped too much and inhaled coffee. That gasping for breath sound was really close!


There is another cup I use that on first glance does not seem worthy of mention. It's from South Dakota and has a picture of Mount Rushmore. It is really cool because of the texturing that gives you a sensation of the actual topography of the mountainous monument. You can run your fingers across Washington's forehead or Jefferson's jawline or Roosevelt's glasses. You can't pick Lincoln's nose or anything like that. Not that I have tried! Really, I didn't try to get a toothpick in there to check for boogers. That would be disgusting and impossible since the nostrils aren't open. The real reason my Rushmore mug is truly Dougish is the other side of the mug. Few people ever see the back side of Mount Rushmore. The back side of my mug shows the backsides of the presidents. There are four full moons! I thought it was hilarious until I was drinking my coffee today and noticed my bottom lip felt something like a bottom. Every time I was taking a sip of my robust roast I was kissing the backside of the rambunctious Roosevelt. It was difficult to explain my first reaction but let's just say I had to clean coffee off the wall from my spit take. My second response was to think it was appropriate considering that Teddy undoubtedly told many people of note to kiss his butt on many occasions. I just joined a distinguished list of people but I actually did it.

Doctor Who: Boxers or Briefs?

My heart is heavy as I dictate this to my blog. Her name was Sarah Jane Smith. She passed away after a short illness. It was my dubious honor to be in charge of her estate. In the attic was a trunk with reams of paper that had articles she had written about some traveling adventures she had with a man she only refers to as the Doctor. It seems to be some kind of fiction she was writing since we all know that we have limited space travel in the 21^st Century and time travel is still considered improbable. It is strange that someone known for her investigative reporting and detail oriented facts could be so creative and come up with these stories.


She had several essays on things like Martians, some kind of man-robot cyborgs and another things she describes as five foot tall dustbins with rounded tops and death rays. I even found one about the Loch Ness Monster. My brother would love that one. But there is one that looks like it was just a series of notes that she hadn't worked into a real story yet. I'm thinking she had a bit of a crush on this man she had created in her head because she was wondering if he wears boxer or briefs. Kind of odd to have a crush on a figment of your imagination but who I am to judge? I think Lara Croft is hot.


It turns out she created this character to look different instead of dying. She called it reconstruction or something like that. It also seems like each time he changed, his personality totally changed as well. That is rather clever. It appears as though she has created eleven different personalities of this Doctor. Each one had a very distinctive style and personae.


The first one appears to be oldest. He is cranky and curmudgeonly and is the traditional boxers kind of guy. The second one is a bit of clown who looks like a tramp in a fur coat. She says this one wears briefs but they ride up a bit making him run funny. The third incarnation of this Doctor is a dandy. Sarah has a little bit of a kinky side because she says he wears a frilly ruff that is actually the top of his full body bloomers. Okay, that one is a little bit of an overshare. Now the next one is the fourth personality of this Doctor who she describes as wearing a long multicolored scarf and has a rather manic look in his eyes that is attributed to the fact that he goes commando instead of wearing any underwear at all. Okay, I take it back. THAT was the overshare – not the bloomers.


It seems that Sarah wanted the next one to be even younger because this one wore a stalk of celery on his lapel and bikini briefs under his trousers except when he played cricket and then he wore a jockstrap. Now this sixth version of the Doctor seems angrier than the last few. Miss Smith attributes that to being frustrated with a curly perm, a headache from too many colors in his coat, and trying to wear the same bikini briefs he had on before but they were way too tight and cut off circulation to important appendages. The seventh Doctor was the big surprise. It seems he was a middle aged version of the doctor with an question mark kind of umbrella and had a quirky, secretive smile that was due in part to the thong underwear he always wore. You know there are some things you really do not want to know. Now the eighth Doctor identity had an American kind of influence and wore red full body underwear but always kept the flap open for some reason. Sarah didn't say way but she put a smiley face in the margins for some unknown reason.


Now Miss Smith had a note about this ninth version of her Doctor character wearing mesh see through boxers. Her comment in the margins was: “That would be a sight to see.” She did remember that this a character she made up, right? Then again, Lady Croft in those shorts. Yowzah! Anyway, the tenth guy is the first one to wear boxer briefs due to his tenacity to run around and needing the extra support. Finally, the last one wears a kind of stretchy trunk that has the Union Jack on the bum and the word “River” on the front. What kind of river runs through there? Maybe it's from some song I don't know.


I wonder who else she wrote about. Give me time and I'll share what else I discover in the trunk. It almost seems like it's bigger on the inside because no matter how many stories I pull out of here there seems like there is even more. Be right back. Some joker but a blue box on my patio. Those darned kids are at it again.

Random

There are times when it is a moral imperative that you say something that will make people look at you as if you have two heads – one of which is drooling butterscotch pudding and one that has that slightly alarmed but amused look you have when you see an ax murderer sneaking up behind a politician. Those moments of random sayings are perfect for conversations with your parents about poor life decisions. Why they ever thought leisure suits were a good idea was a mystery to me as a teen who was wearing a Don Johnson Miami Vice white linen suit with hair so spiky I had to carry liability insurance for the risk of accidental impalement. It is also a handy skill to have for those moments when you are pulled over on your scooter by law enforcement officials who ride their bicycles with the little ring-ring thumb bells instead of sirens. Or maybe you just want to confuse that college prof who says things that make no sense and expect you to say, “Wow, dude. That's deep.” I like to say, “Wow, douche. That makes as much sense as the nipples on Batman's body armor.”

In an effort to assist those who are not naturally random, I have made a list of suggested responses to any of those or similarly asinine askance articles of arrogance.

• You know I think Congress is considering a bill on that topic. Or was it a bill on the rights of pet rocks to file for bankruptcy and legal separations from their delinquent owners who have left them along trails all over the Appalachian Trail in an attempt to make them look like natural occurring stones to avoid having to pay rock support.
• In an amazing coincidence I heard that very topic being discussed by Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Ozzy Osborne on Rush Limbaugh just the other day.
• Are you sure you and I are speaking the same language? You seem to be speaking rectumese and your breath does smell like a fart brought on by a chili-cheese burrito, three raw eggs that were laid in 1987, a burning tire from a '78 Civic, and the boxers of Jeff Gordon after a crash at Daytona.
• There are only two words that can even come close to describing my utter ambivalence on this issue: Tuba and shoehorn.
• Are you sure you want to have this battle of wits? I mean let's be fair about this. I'm an intelligent human being and you are something that crawled out of a primordial ooze made of strawberry-banana Jell-O, llama urine, a bar of lye soap, eighteen used shock absorber boxes, and eighty-three pieces of chewed Bazooka Bubble Gum.
• Some days you're the windshield. Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the squeegee that cleans up the mess. Some days you're just that little crack in the windshield that is far enough out of the way so it doesn't create a hazard to driving but is close enough that you see it ever time you drive and it is making you nuts wondering how it got there and won't go away so that is invades your dreams at night and even makes an appearance on your blog for no good reason.
• Are you the person my mom warned me about? She said I would meet someone someday that made me think my younger brother – who smelled of stale lice spray, likes to put potatoes and gravy in his thong, and had this habit of farting at the dinner table when we had rump roast – was really not the dumbest person I ever met.

I hope these random things come in handy when you are speaking to those who deserving of a mind blowing and soul altering tormenting for no other reason than they had the gall to be born and annoy you.

Not Strong Enough

Listening to one of my favorite groups I came across an amazing song. The group is Apocalyptica and the song is “Not Strong Enough”. Check it out! Yes those are cellos that sound like ripping electric guitars. If you didn't click that link before I bet you will now! The song is talking about a guy who found a girl he just can't stay away from. Been there. Done that. Other than toxic relationships there are other things from which I am just not strong enough to stay away. Here are a few of my favorites.

1. Peanut Butter Cups are one of the best things ever made. That old commercial where they are talking about showing it to Noah is classic. Here is some irony for you. While I was just looking up that link for the Noah commercial I had to wait for a commercial before I could watch my commercial.
2. Am I the only one who find Shark Week on the Discovery Chanel to be abhorrent, terrifying, disgusting and impossible to turn off? Something about those cold, dead eyes makes me reminisce about this girl I knew in college. Good times. (I need therapy.)
3. Any movie that has lasers will have my attention. There was even this really bad one called Starcrash that had David Hassellhoff as a Simon, space prince, being rescued by the scantily clad Stella Star. It is really, really, really bad and if you get the chance to watch it make sure you have your popcorn, beer and sarcastic comments ready to go! Imagine the movie Flash Gordon but with worse acting. Yeah, I know. Hard to imagine, isn't it?
4. Anything that is so funny that it is a parody of life like Weird Al Yankovick, Scrubs, Robin Williams, and Congress. There is something to be said of anyone who can open their mouth and say something that is so ridiculous that you have to laugh. You can't tell me those Senators and Representatives are not comedians. They are a riot! Wait a second. You mean they are serious? Surely not.
5. No matter what I cannot stay away from Facebook. There is something to be said about being friends with 17,823 people. I have actually met 6 of them! And those games! I have got the the cutest little farm and hire those same people I have never met to help me water, harvest and feed various things on my farm. Now if I could only get the same kind of enthusiasm from my real life friends when I want help moving.

I'm sure there are other things that I am not strong enough to stay away from but I can't think of any because I'm trying to be strong enough to not fall asleep after working third shift.

Reasons to Elope

It has been my pleasure to sit and watch my best friend and his bride to be go through the joy of wedding preparation. By joy I mean I am enjoying watching them loose there ever-loving minds! It is hilarious! Here is a couple who are so lovey-dovey I want to get tested for diabetes after hanging around them for 3 minutes; yet the pressure and stress of a seating chart is s true test for their love. They agreed with me that eloping is a really good idea other than the possibility of the death threats from the little old church ladies – they make Dana Carvey's Saturday Night Live act seem like a documentary – who are more excited about the wedding than the marriage. My friends are more excited about the honeymoon and the marriage. It is my responsibility to make sure that these kinds of trials and tribulations are not fostered upon other hapless victims. Although I may question your sanity, if you really want to get married here are the reasons to elope.

1. You will never forget being married by a one eyed Jewish Baptist Elvis impersonator in Vegas while you will never remember a word the preacher says.
2. The convenience of being married in a drive through marriage booth also means you can get fries with that.
3. Your parents are going to be mad about something that happens at the wedding that is so totally pointless as to be funny so you may as well tick them off by running away and giving them something to really be mad about.
4. The bride's father will pay you well to avoid having to pay for the whole thing.
5. Marriage is a gamble anyway so may as well shoot some craps after getting married. You may want to roll the dice before it to make sure fate really wants you to do this. “Gimma a seven! Baby needs a wedding ring!”
6. The bride will not swear like a sailor about wedding details. She will save that for when she looses at poker.
7. The phrases “seating chart”, “flower girl”, “ring bearer”, “tuxedo rental”, and “drunkin organist” really don't play a role.
8. You can spend $69,359 on a wedding that is over in a day or you go on a 3 week Mediterranean cruise for a lot less and have more fun for the honeymoon.
9. Since you invite people you really don't know as a favor to your parents you may as well go someplace where you don't know anyone anyway and buy a round of drinks after which they will be your wedding party.
10. One word: Antidisestabilishmentarianism. No clue if it has anything to do with eloping but it sounded good.

I hope these will help you in you anit-wedding planning. I plan on doing a Dollywood wedding if I ever loose my mind and want to get remarried. They have this cute little wedding chapel between these two big mountains there.

A Twisted Tennessee Twelve Days

On the first day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the second day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the third day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the fourth day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the fifth day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the sixth day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me six geezers playing banjos, five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the seventh day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me seven blonds a dyeing, six geezers playing banjos, five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the eighth day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me eight braids of Willie, seven blonds a dyeing, six geezers playing banjos, five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the ninth day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me nine ladybugs invading, eight braids of Willie, seven blonds a dyeing, six geezers playing banjos, five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the tenth day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me ten Fords oil leaking, nine ladybugs invading, eight braids of Willie, seven blonds a dyeing, six geezers playing banjos, are you still reading this, five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the eleventh day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me eleven corncob pipes a smoking, ten Fords oil leaking, nine ladybugs invading, eight braids of Willie, seven blonds a dyeing, six geezers playing banjos, five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

On the twelfth day of Christmas a hillbilly gave to me twelve drums of moonshine, eleven corncob pipes a smoking, ten Fords oil leaking, nine ladybugs invading, eight braids of Willie, seven blonds a dyeing, six geezers playing banjos, five golden onion rings, four bird calls, three french fries, two turtle shell gloves and a partridge stand in a pair of trees.

Imagine World Pez

Did you know that Pez candy and dispensers are not an American invention? It was those cleaver Austrians who came up with Pez to add to their other contributions to the world like... ummm... I'm sure they gave us something. Oh yeah! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Pez seem so American to me that I was stunned into silence so I decided to write about it. Here are some facts you may not know. Pez comes from the German word for peppermint, Pfefferminz, It is odd that I have never had a peppermint Pez. Come to think of it I don't think I have had a Pez that really tasted like anything in particular. The common American flavors of grape, lemon, orange, raspberry, and strawberry come in kosher forms too. There are conventions for Pez dispenser collectors all over the world! Now that we have broadened your knowledge allow me to pollute your brain with the Pez dispensers that did not sell well.

• The Ozzy Head: It had bat shaped Pez coming out it.
• The Butt-shaped: The chocolate Pez were a bad idea for that one.
• The Wonder Twins: You had to touch them together to get a Pez.
• The Toilet: It was just a crappy idea.
• Hannibal Lector: The kidney shaped Pez were in poor taste.
• The Mike Tyson head: It kept biting the other Pez dispensers ears'.
• The Draino: The candy tended to clean out your system.
• The jock strap: They couldn't get any straight guys to touch it.
• The oil well: The candy tasted crude.
• The deer head: It kept getting hunted, shot and mounted.
• The parrot: It wouldn't shut up long enough to get the candy out of it.
• The Senator head: It would promise to give you candy but keep it.
• The Congressman head: Any candy put in would disappear.
• The tank: The candy would shoot out way too fast.
• The Weird Al head: Would you want candy from him?

I hope you find a Pez that you like. Mine is an watch that goes back and forth and back and forth and making me want to buy more Pez. Gotta go get that Hello Kitty one even though I don't like Hello Kitty. Must have Pez. Must have Pez. Must have Pez.

A Stream of Thought Runs Through It

For some strange reason that I cannot fathom there is no punctuation in my thought processes although there seem to be infrequent pauses and many exclamations that do seem to indicate that an exclamation point would be a good idea or even an occasional semi-colon so that my brain could take a breath before moving on to a new topic like what would a brain look like if it was breathing and would sparks fly out as it breathed since there are all kinds of electrical impulses going on in most minds even though some I have met seem to only have one impulse every few hours and that one seems to die a quick death before it can connect with any receptors due to a lack of Twinkies in their system because it has been a well known fact since I made it up just now that Twinkies help the brain function better because that cream filling acts as a stimulator for thinking about going to the gym because we all know that Arnold Schwarzenegger taught us all that working out is good for by promoting such a healthy body image through his use of Twinkies as a training supplement or was that steroids that made him look like someone had over-inflated him in Predator unlike the lean look of the cheetah which many feel is the ultimate predator since it has been proven to be faster than a Prius which I have to admit that the Prius is still better than the Honda Civic that I drove as a teenage that my dad felt I was hot-roding due to the passive hamster power under the hood of that beast so he put a motorcycle carburetor on it to give me great mileage and it would go from zero to 60 in 5.3 minutes unless there was a headwind in which case it would actually go backwards even with the pedal to the metal unlike Burt Reynolds in Smoky and the Bandit because he would make that Trans-Am sing and scream like Steve Tyler when he transitioned from lyrical to hysterical in Aerosmith's “Dream On” giving you auditory whiplash as bad the time I totaled my vette thanks to a guy pulling out in front of me and I drove right up under the pickup which would have been tragic if my vette had been a Corvette instead of a Chevette which unsurprisingly looked very similar to an accordion that Weird Al could have played when he was polkaing to “I Can't Get No Satisfaction” originally recorded by the Stones with Mick Jagger doing his strutting moves as Keith Richards looked stoned which is appropriate with the name of the group but it is amazing that Keith is still alive and ultra-marathon runner Micah True died from a heart disease which makes one wonder if we aren't better off just slowing down and taking time to stop and smell the roses instead of writing a long wandering blog without punctuation or even a breath to show what it is like inside my brain

Hot Booties

Yeah. I know. I had the same reaction to the title. Not paying attention to the TV my ears and eyes perked right up when I heard the people talking about hot booties. Being as pure, sweet and innocent as I am I was prepared to be offended by whatever disgusting show of feminine wiles that was going to be on this commercial that I was prepared to watch as long as necessary to make sure there were no socially redeeming qualities of this obviously blatant use of flagrant sexuality. At least that's what I was hoping it was.

There have been several times in my life when I have been more wrong than this. There was the time that I decided to dry off my hiking boots a little too close to the fire which lead to my first experience with smoking although there was no tobacco involved. Flames? Yes! Tobacco? No. By the way if you chose to dry off shoes by a fire take them off your feet first. They still tell the story of the white boy who ran 200 yards to the stream in 5.3 second. Legend has it he was going to fast you could see flames coming off his shoes. If they only knew.

Then there was the time when I was driving my corvette with the red light on the front that would go back and forth and we tried to jump two semi's without using turbo boost. Wait a second. That was Knight Rider. Never mind. There was also the time that I only had one Long Island Iced Tea at a friend's New Year's Eve Party when he kept putting more in my glass when I wasn't looking. I don't remember midnight happening and will never totally trust Don again. It was an evil trick that I would never do to anyone else. I used Chocolate Tinis.

But this time I was waaaaay off. The hot booties were hot booties. These are a kind of slipper that is nice and toasty warm. I thought that these were a really cool..errr...hot idea. Don't you like to have nice warm booties on those cold nights? They stay warm for an hour. Then I saw how they warm them. You take the cold booties off your feeties and put them in the microwavey. Yes, you nuke your shoes. Now aside from the risk of toenail cancer please consider what you are doing here. You are putting your shoes in the freaking microwave! I cook burritos in there! I don't want athlete’s tongue. The commercial actually showed a steaming pair of booties coming out of the nuker! That is just wrong! I don't want my smelly slippers stinking up my stuff!

Imagine the scenario. You have just cooked your hot booties and slipped the steaming things on your feet. After smelling salts revive you from the fumes you decide to start supper. You get a pound of ground turkey out of the freezer and put it in that same microwave to defrost. The steaming meat comes out and goes in the skillet. Then you realize you need to melt some butter so in it goes and comes out steaming. Now with only those two items you make your spaghetti. “Dad, are you trying a new spice in your spaghetti?” “No, son. Why?” “There is a hint of parsley. A touch of basil. A good bit of garlic. And there is something that has the flavor of your old Nikes.” I would have to bury the microwave after that. The stench would never go away.

Perhaps this product is meant for the people who do not have stinky feet and I hope both of them like it. I'm going to stick to the hot booties that do not involve a microwave. Yep! Mine will be warmed and burnt to a crisp around a fire as God intended hot booties to be!