Politically Incorrect Candy

Growing up as a child in the 70s there are a few things that you should know about me. There is a song by Mark Wills where he talks about seeing the stuff inside Stretch Armstrong that makes perfect sense to me. I even knew that the goo inside Stretch Monster was exactly the same. They may have been brothers but I don't have proof. I also kicked butt on Space Invaders at the arcade! There was a pattern to that too! Scary invaders feared my awesome skill with the moving laser cannon that could only move back and forth but still killed them all!

But the one thing that I miss most of all is the candy of my childhood. Sure we still have Milk Duds, Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers and Mounds even though Mounds are really disgusting. The ones I really miss are the ones that no one would ever give their kids in these politically correct days. What ever happened to the bubble gum cigars? They came in blue and pink! The makers of those gum cigars didn't care if you were a boy or a girl; black or white; American or foreign. As long as you bought that gum and starting thinking about how cool it would be to smoke a real stogie someday, the makers of those chewable Cubans were happy.

But those weren't near as fun as the gum cigarettes. Those things were awesome! It was just like an unfiltered cigarette my mamma smoked but mine had gum instead of those gross ground up leaves. There was even a layer of powdered sugar between the gum and the paper so you could blow on it and make smoke come out. However, inhaling the fake fumes was not a good idea because you can develop a serious cough from the effects of simulated smoke in your lungs. Now that I think about it there may have been some wisdom in letting me have those.

Then there were the candy cigarettes that came in their own little hard pack. They were so cute with the little red tip to make it look like you were really smoking right beside dad. You could bite yours though. Let's see dad do that! Yeah, we were cool. The only problem with those candy cigarettes was - and I am being kind - they tasted like urinal cakes. Not that I have ever tried a urinal cake as far as you know.

I really wish my kids could try the candy of my youth. If you look at me there is some strangeness but I turned out OK. Even though I'm not a smoker I did smoke once but I was on fire so I don't think that counts. (It was Boy Scout Camp and involved an unbeleivable s'mores accident. Don't ask! I'm still in therapy about it.) Well it is too bad I don't have an old country style store right in downtown that has barrels full of old fashioned, politically incorrect candy. Or do I? Envy me all you who live in places that care about political correctness! I live in East Tennessee! Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!