Shine On and On and On and Then You’re Out

There are so many things that Tennessee has going for it. There is Nashville with country songs to make you laugh, cry and drink lots of beer. There is the Jack Daniel’s distillery in Lynchburg, where you can take tours of the most famous of the Tennessee whiskies that is made in a dry county. It’s true. You cannot buy Jack Daniel’s products where they are distilled. Still trying to wrap by brain around that one. We even have Beale Street in Memphis where there is some of the world’s best blues and great booze. But let’s be honest and admit that when you think of alcohol and Tennessee, isn’t the first thing think of moonshine? Me neither because I think of Jack’s Old No. 7 first. But after that, moonshine!

Many people have tried moonshine from the likes of ‘Popcorn’ Sutton and other famous – or notorious – moonshiners. The kind of shine that is out there today is probably nothing like the smooth spirits made by Uncle Jessie that got the Duke boys in trouble on TV in the 70s. Daisy Duke really knew how to wear cutoffs, which has nothing to do with moonshine but everything to do with my reason for watching that show. Now, out here in east Tennessee, there’s a way that you can try out moonshine without having to drive down a dirt road, past where old man Johnson’s barn used to be ‘til it burnt down in ’73, then through the holler and up over the next two rises ‘til you see that spot where the Jenkins boy wrapped his car around the big oak tree. Then you’re about hallway there. As fun as it is to go riding up in the hills past the “Revenuers Will Be Shot – Twice” signs, I find that driving to downtown Gatlinburg is a little easier and a lot safer. FYI, never wear a suit and sunglasses in the backwoods of Tennessee. Just don’t.

Back to Gatlinburg. While I was strolling along the bustling street of Gatlinburg, I happened upon a sign – totally innocently – that proclaimed proudly: “Free Moonshine Tasting”. Since I had never, ever partaken of the illegal and highly tasty brew, I felt it was my duty and obligation as a citizen of Tennessee to check further into this strange sign to ensure that nothing illegal was going on. My two female friends who were with me agreed that we should make sure that it was safe for the tourists. We are very conscientious citizens.

Imagine our surprise to discover a LEGAL moonshine distillery right in the heart of Gatlinburg. We had no idea we would stumble upon such a wondrous place no matter how many billboards were guiding us to this very spot. I cannot say enough nice things about the bib-overall wearing staff at the Ole Smoky Distillery. They were friendly and welcoming and funny and lined up little cups like you get in church. (I am discussing using their grape flavored moonshine instead of Mogen David with my pastor. He is a little resistant, but after a couple mason jars of shine I think he’ll come around.) Those 14 cups that were places in front of us (yes, 14 little cups – I know, I was excited too!) were filled one by one with different flavors of moonshine. I have to say that the shine infused cherries are an excellent way to get your recommend servings of fruit every day. The apple pie shine was appetizing. The lemon drop was delightful. After the blackberry moonshine sample, it became harder and harder to decide how good they were. They all tasted amazing after that.

After trying everything they had to offer, and even trying a few more combo samples (I wish I could tell you what they were but my memory was getting a little fuzzy at that point) I made my purchase and went outside to listen to the amazing bluegrass band playing live outside the door. I was tapping my feet and clapping for a good 20 minutes until I remembered that I don’t even like bluegrass. Moonshine does strange things to you.

That little place in Gatlinburg was truly quite the surprise. I’m glad we did our research and checked to make sure it was a wholesome place for everyone. Granted, it was the third time that month we had checked, but you can never be too careful.

A New Take on Old Proverbs

There's an old Irish proverb that says, "May ye be an hour in Heaven 'fore the Devil knows you’re gone." There's a new Dougish proverb that says, "May the Beano be an hour in your system 'fore the chili dog hits your colon." I think Tone would like that one. Perhaps we need to look at some of the best old proverbs that need to have a modern spin.

• To err is human, to forgive requires a dog.
• A Rolling Stone gathers some weed.
• Never say diet!
• Nothing is certain but death, taxes and the fact that there will be a slow driver in the fast lane when you’re late for an appointment for a job interview.
• April showers being flood insurance claims.
• A fool and his money usually means he inherited it.
• The bigger they are, the harder it feels when they land on you.
• The early bird will be singing right outside your window on Saturday morning.
• There is no fool like an old member of Congress.
• A barking dog will bite you between barks.
• Do unto others as you see them doing to the waitress at the Waffle House.
• Rats stay on the cruise ship while the passengers abandon it.
• Fight fire with napalm.
• Finders keepers, losers look futilely in the lost and found.

I hope these new perspectives help you see some of the best proverbs out there in a new light. Sorry it took so long to think of this one, but better late than not thinking of it in the first place… or something like that.

Frozen Body Parts

Sitting in my living room this morning, enjoying a hot cup of freshly brewed coffee, I looked out the window at field beyond my patio to see the winter wonderland that it has become. The snow on the ground and clinging to the trees creates a beauty that mere words cannot express. As I gaze at the tapestry that has appeared yesterday and overnight, I cannot help but be glad I’m not going out in that crap. It looks cold!

People say that it is fun to play in the snow. People are also brain damaged from the frostbite of the brain I have discussed in my blog about Dancing in the Snow. One person even called me a wuss for not wanting to go have a snowball fight. Please! If you’re gonna call me a wuss, I can give you a list of things that I am wussy about, but not snow. There is a difference between being a “wuss” and being “smart enough to stay away from things that will cause you to freeze off important body parts.” Or maybe I’m the only one who really likes his pinky toe and does not want to see it turning blue falling off.

There is even a rumor circulating that there are people who let their noses look like Rudolph leading Santa on a foggy Christmas Eve. If you want to be outside letting your proboscis become a popsicle that is your insane choice. I will be inside, sipping a cup of Irish coffee with whipped cream and a few chocolate sprinkles. Any time you can drink before noon and it is socially acceptable should be done.

There is something else on my body that comes in pair that cannot stand the cold either. Yeah, my ears just can’t handle the freezing temperatures. (What did you think I was writing about? Get your mind out of the gutter.) There is a theory that I just made up about the effects of cold temperatures causing the eardrum to feel like one of Tommy Lee’s drum sets after a Crue concert. It’s not good. When I get stuck outside in the cold for more than the eight seconds required to dash to my car, I find that my hearing suffers as a result. Or that is the excuse I use when friends call me to go sledding.

Don’t you think it is time that we all do the responsible thing by staying inside with the antifreeze of our choice and enjoy the sights and sounds of the winter wonderla… OMG! Did you see the snow bunny that just passed my window? Forget all that! Where’s my snowsuit?