Textisms That Should Be

Unless you live under a rock in the bottom of a pond in a third world country like Arkansas you must know about texting. I will admit it. My name is Doug and I'm a textaholic. It started out so innocently. Like so many out there today it began with me thinking it was stupid to text someone on my PHONE when it was just as easy to call them and actually talk. Then I sent my son a text. He sent one back! How cool was that?! I sent another and got anther. I tried another person and got one back from them. Person after person was texting me and texting me. Then I was carrying on 73,295 conversations and had a record so I could actually keep track of them!

In the interest of being the helpful person that you, dear reader, know I strive to be, I have come up with some new textisms that I think we should use. I'm not talking about the “LOL”, “YW”, “SEXTING” or even “LQTM” (Laugh Quietly To Myself). These all come from my fertile, twisted, creative and over-imaginative mind.

• DREXTING – also called “OMG THAT HURT”. This is DRiving while tEXTING. This is something that so many people do that really annoys me so I steer with my knee, access the web on my smartphone and look up their license tag and then Google their name and find an e-mail address so I can send them an e-mail right then to tell them how dangerous DREXTING can be.
• REVEXTING – also called “I'M GONNA REGRET THIS TOMORROW”. REVenge tEXTING is something that is usually brought on by tequila, vodka, rum, and/or absinthe. Usually absinthe. It usually centers around a real or perceived slight that makes your alcohol addled mind vent venom in your texts making you look at your phone the next morning wishing for the Mission Impossible self destruct in five seconds feature for your messages.
• EXTING – also called “I HATE THEM SO MUCH I DON'T WHAT TO HEAR THEIR WHINEY VOICE”. EX texTING is one of the most useful features of texting and I believe this was why it was invented by a computer geek at Google going through nasty divorce while also suffering the loss of his girlfriend who was the cause of the divorce. You can send little snarky messages to the ex and have a record of them as will the ex to use in the restraining order court documents.
• RELEXTING – also called “YES, I AM AVOIDING TALKING TO YOU MOM!” RELative tEXTING is almost as handy as EXTING but has fewer legal consequences but a much higher rate of guilt when your mom realizes that you are not in a board meeting at 10:15pm. Unless she is blond and then there is a good chance she will buy it!
• PLATEXTING – also called “DUCK-BILLED MAMMAL COMMUNICATION THAT LEADS TO THE NSA ON YOUR DOORSTEP WITH THE SECRET SERVICE AND HOMELAND SECURITY AGENTS NEARBY TO TAKE YOU AWAY IT GITMO.” Just don't do this one. It is far too dangerous because the platypus is secretly smarter than you are.

I hope these have been helpful to you in your endeavors to further your textological techniques to create textocity technology for our textocracy. I have no idea what any of those things are but they sound good.