Kidney Stones

My friend Renee suggested I write about kidney stones. My first thought was that I have no firsthand experience (THANK YOU GOD) with kidney stones. What would I possibly write that would be helpful to you, dear reader, on this delicate and sensitive topic? Nothing! So I decided to be indelicate and insensitive and make jokes about it.

Now I have met many people who have had to pass these problematic pebbles. One woman said that is was worse than child birth! THAT is hard to believe but I will take her word for it because I don’t want to try to pass one and will never have baby. You know if it were up to men to have the babies I don’t think we would have to worry about that whole overpopulation problem. Extinction would be the new concern!

Another man claimed that the pain was worse than the wound that wound up in a purple heart in Vietnam. Really? Come on!! A tiny little grain of sand like that hurt worse than that bayonet of Charlie? He claimed that the knife was quick and clean while the kidney boulder (his phrase) just took its own sweet time and cause suffering that seemed to last longer than the war.

For those of you who think that kidney stones affect only those who are unfortunate enough to experience them first hand allow me to share a story with you. A Halloween party was planned for a great group of people. The costumes had been selected with great care from the bargain bin at Kmart. My costume was perfect. It was to be a vampire in more of a traditional Bela Lugosi than Bella and Edward. But sadly the party was cancelled due to the hostess being inflicted with a kidney stone. The real tragedy was … it is so hard to write this as I remember the suffering … that I had … prepare yourself for the graphic nature of this … a rash on my forehead from the makeup I tried on!

Can we all agree that kidney stones are something that should be avoided at all costs due to the pain and suffering they inflict not only on those who actually have them but on those of us who… wait a second… why does it feel like I am about to pee a bowling ball?

Smoking

I may be treading on sacred ground here but I want to talk about smoking. I know what you’re thinking: “Doug! Smoking is not politically correct! How can you talk about something like that?” If that is what you really are thinking then this must be the first post of mine you’ve ever read! Political correctness? Bah!! (Am I eloquent or what?) But that does give me a chance to give you a lesson in morphology. Look at the word Politics. Poli – which means many; and tics – which means little things that suck your blood. Is it any wonder Washington is such a mess?

Anyway… smoking. I must confess that have tried one cigar and one cigarette in my life. It is not an experiment that I would choose to repeat. It felt like my throat and lungs had been burned by smoke… wait a second… that is what actually happened! My dad once explained the attraction to me. Nicotine has the ability to energize you or chill you out. It can be a stress reliever or a party enhancer. It can make you look cool to one person and unattractive to another… Don’t ask me. I didn’t get it either. It is not my place or nature to judge others. If another person wants to enjoy the effects of nicotine then go for it.

Other kinds of smoke are much more interesting to me. I have a friend (believe it or not) who is a blond. She mentioned that she was thinking and then asked if I could see the smoke. Have you ever felt the kind of pain you get when you need to fart but don’t want to because you are in an elevator with a really cute girl and know that she will give you that “OMG did you really just take the curl out of my hair” look if you let rip that methane bomb within? The pain I felt as I resisted the urge to comment on that perfect opening was worse than that!

What if our heads really smoked when we were thinking too hard? I have a feeling that all those smoke-free campuses would be smoke-filled in no time! Or perhaps those think tanks would be stink tanks with all the burning brains in them. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing for your brain surgeon’s brain to be smoking while fixing your frontal lobe? It would be a good use for some people’s ears who don’t seem to use them for the original purpose. (You KNOW who you are!)

Well I think that is enough about smoke. Now I need to go look at the leaking gasket that is making my engine smoke like the brain of Stephen Hawking debating Albert Einstein.