Sleep? We Don't Need No Stinking Sleep!

When was the last time you were just so exhausted you fell asleep while riding the little kiddy merry-go-round right outside the Piggly Wiggly? There are no words to describe the embarrassment that is brought on by going to Piggly Wiggly. Falling asleep on the kids' ride is no big deal. We've all done that. But Piggly Wiggly? How will I ever show my face at Wal Mart again?

I decided to write a blog on sleep deprivation since I am currently sleep deprived or sleep depraved or something like that. My imagination – which is pretty good on a normal day – is taking over for this blog. Open the pod bay doors, HAL. You are in charge. It is as if all the little voices in my head are all chanting the same phrases: “Chicken pot pie! Chicken pot pie! Chicken pot pie!” There is one little voice calling for pork lo mien but the rest of us are ignoring him. Oddly Doug's conscious mind doesn't even really like pot pies. That must be the pork lo mien guy. The rest of us are taking control! Muahahahahahaha!!! Free at last for at least one blog!

This will be a Seinfeldish blog that is really about nothing. The legion of Doug's imagination has some thoughts about politics, religion, and the decline and fall of the Roman Empire with a comparison to the downward spiral of the world economic crisis which will lead to a rebirth of society under the control of telekinetic carp. There is also a good chance that we will all be singing “patty cake” with plutonium Play-doh to create nuclear powered adult diapers. Then again we may just be looking at the walls and trying to come up with new names for beige like “really far off white”, “brown without ambition”, “arm pit”, or “Bob”.

Lamps are just redundant in a room with overhead lighting. It is like adding a propeller to a jet boat. Sure it may add a little something to the deal but it is overpowered by the main thing. Lamps are ceiling fan light wannabes. It is like when I was in college and wanted to be like Tony who could get any girl he wanted but I could get only get the girls that wanted me which was not that many since I had yet to develop my sense of humor that would draw so many people to my side. I'm still waiting to develop that twenty years later. But what if the lamp – yes that is what we started the paragraph talking about but got distracted when you brought up college life which I really didn't want you to bring up but my ADD is in overdrive with the lack of sleep – was on the ceiling? But then it would no longer be a lamp but a fixture.

How often do you have to fix fixtures? Shouldn't they be self repairing since they are already fixed according to their name. But then there are many things with oxymoronic names. Have you ever met anyone with the real last name of Smart who was really more of the moron than the oxi? Calling a light bulb seems a little insulting to me since it is obviously a light. But if we just call it a bulb some idiot will bury it in the garden hoping to grow a light bulb plant without realizing that a light bulb plant is a large factory that would take up more of his garden than the three by three plot he has set aside. Is there a previously unnoticed correlation between the use of the word “plot” meaning both a plan to take over the universe with trained lemurs and penguins and the name of the spot where the rebel kangaroos are buried? Coincidence? I think not!

I once saw a book about penguins on a coffee table. Well, to be be totally honest, with you it was a comic book about The Penguin and a nasty fight he had with Batman. I think we need to have a rumble between Batman and Ironman. Sure Ironman has the armor but Batman has the fighting style and the gizmos. Who would win? WHO?! I ask you! WHO?!!

Ok. Doug' mind is waking up now and taking control back. Don't tell him what we wrote. It'll be our little secret!... What is all that nonsense?