Things That You Don't Want to Learn the Hard Way

So often we make mistakes that we must make to move on with our lives. There are certain things that you must learn yourself and it doesn't matter how many people tell you about it you will do it but then learn so much from it. Some of the things I have learned the hard way include heartbreak is temporary, signs that say watch your head should be watched, instruction manuals that state the correct voltage for an electric toothbrush MUST be read carefully to avoid massive blood loss, and the warning label on Xanex gives you very accurate information regarding the special effects your mind will create when taking that wonder drug.

There are other things that I feel it would be better to learn second hand because learning them first hand may result in the loss of that hand. Here are a few that I have discovered without actually experiencing them.

• Skinny dipping in the ocean during jellyfish mating season hurts. (They do find humans attractive for some reason.)
• Never feed a bulldog Hormel Extra Bean Fire Chili. (It made lead to you selling your $5,000 couch on Craigslist for $12.95.)
• Bicycle seats are not indestructible from downward force. (There are some things that will make a proctologist laugh his butt off.)
• Looking too closely at clogged toilets on an airplane leads to invitations to join Blue Man Group. (It also makes the flight attendants lose their composure and laugh like a proctologist dealing with a broken bike seat.)
• Clams clamp onto anything that get stuck inside them. (Don't ask. You don't want to know!)
• Bedsheets and parachutes are not made from the same material. (That ripping sound sucks when you jump off the roof.)
• Experimenting with the stapler in art class can get you a goth girlfriend. (Whether you want one or not.)
• One cat will attack with the intensity of 8,345 cats when you try to give them a bath. (Kind of like a Gremlin.)
• Teenage boys can create a purple haze unlike anything Jimmy Hendrix's acid trips discovered if you feed them too much Taco Bell. (Trust me on this one! Don't do it!)

Now if you do chose to experience any of these please let me know. I haven't laughed like a proctologist in years.