The Perfect Job

In a recruiting seminar I found out what the prefect job would be. Backup quarterback for a major league football team. As much as it would please me to tell you that I was being recruited for a football player position, alas it was not meant to be. There are a few qualifications for that job that have been, are, and always will be beyond my particular skill set. That was a clever way of saying I can't throw a football to save my life. Also there is the whole getting tackled thing that is not fun in my book unless it is by the cheerleaders and not the offensive line. Ask be about my non-existent baseball throwing skills sometime. It is not kind to women to say I throw like a girl because most women I know throw better than me. That recruitment seminar was to be an insurance agent. It would have been fun to work for Farm Bureau Insurance so I could say I was an agent of the F.B.I. The company I worked for and I didn't get along. They wanted me to sell insurance and I wanted to keep my soul.

Perhaps there are other jobs out there that are similarly perfect: low risk, high pay, good hours and no responsibility. One of the best jobs out there is the late night talk show sidekick. This job was immortalized by the late, great Ed McMann. Ed's job was to introduce the audience to Johnny Carson every night for 30 years. He made really good money by saying: “Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!” And his trademark laugh at anything Johnny said was also key. I could do that. Laughing on key and sucking up were my main critical skills when I was an assistant pastor.

Another really good job is Executive Vice President of Anything. No one know what that title means. It sounds really good and you should make good money. There are other vice presidents to do the actual VP work and a President to take the blame if anything goes wrong. The XVP sits back, drinks Scotch, kicks the feet up and take credit for the work of the underlings and tells everyone they are “brains of the operation” even though I have yet to meet an XVP who has any detectable gray matter.

There is a phrase that says: “Those who can, do! Those who can't, teach.” I would add a couple more phrases on there. “Those who can't teach, coach. Those who can't coach, go into politics.” In East Tennessee, where I live, we also say: “Those who can't coach seem to get hired by the University of Tennessee.” Consider the life of the member of Congress. They vote on things and get to have meetings that are televised and call press conferences and argue a lot. WE PAY THEM FOR THAT! Will Rogers was right when he said, “If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?”

There is one last prefect job I'd like to point out: blogger. You set your own hours. No one tells you what to write. You get to share your opinions with people and they have no way to debate you without leaving a comment on your blog. Even if they do leave a comment you can chose whether or not you want to publish their snide remarks about your spelling or choice of topic that may or may not be personally offensive even though the blogger has no control over what another may choose to take offense at so they really shouldn't be mean to the blogger who makes comments about bovine flatulence and accuse the blogger of rectal cranial inversion to address the issue of a lack of tact and taste even though the blogger never has and never will taste the aforementioned cow farts. Of course that has ever happened to me no matter what my brothers claims. Now if I could only find a way to make money at this.