The other day I discovered something
that stopped me in my tracks. I could not believe that it was still
around. You think that some things will just fade away like a sitcom
star after a long run and then they cannot find work because they are
typecast. (Sigh. I miss Tina Yothers.) But then there it is like a
beacon of hope; shining like a star in the vast murky darkness of the
dark matter steeped cosmos. I am of course talking about my old
Yomega X-Brain! It is awesome!
That is one of the coolest yo-yos ever
made. It has these cool little ball bearings inside to help you do
tricks. You have no idea how much I wish I had known about it when I
was studying the fine art of yo-ology at he feet of Yoya. Ok. I can't
remember who was teaching me about yo-yos at summer camp but he was
really good at it! It was awe inspiring sitting at his feet as this
counselor walked the dog, made it go around the world, and even did
the flying saucer. (Don't try it. You're not ready!) His cowboy hat
and his swagger made it seem even cooler. If I had actually been a
camper instead of a fellow counselor it would have been even cooler
for me! Sadly, I did not learn the art of the yo until I was twenty.
(Cue the sound of cricket's chirping.) Sadly, I lived a youth devoid
of yo-osity and thereby missed out on hours of fun making something
that looked liked a continuous butt go up and down for hours. Yes
there is something wrong with that sentence if your mind is in the
gutter so stop corrupting my innocent, youthful memories.
Using all my powers of persuasion I was
able to convince the person who had the time off to go to the store
for me and purchase a simple Duncan yo-yo. By powers of persuasion I
actually mean that I whined and begged and pleaded til she went to
Wal-Mart to shut me up! There is was! It was blue. There was an extra
string. (This will come into play in a moment.) There was an
instruction book! Ha! I was 20 and knew everything about everything!
Who needs an instruction book when I had Yoya as my master of the
force of yo-yos. I really wish I could remember that guy's name. I
think it was Chuck. Well actually I have no idea but let's say it was
Chuck.
Chuck and I became semi-friends and
yo-yo dualists! Sure he had the experience. Sure he had more than one
yo-yo. Sure he had the cool hat. Sure he had a secret weapon that I
knew nothing about. But do you know what I had? I had a snowball's
chance in Miami of even coming close to keeping up with him. It was
the X-Brain. That #%*$& yo-yo that had the trick ball bearings.
I didn't know they made those. I learned to do a sleeper so I could
do all kinds of other tricks. His would sleep so long I thought his
yo-yo was in a coma! Mine would sleep until it died and just laid
there like a yo-yo that has lost its spin. But his would keep
spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and driving me out of
my mind as to how he could make it do that! I had come up with a
theory to even the playing field that involved a priest, holy water,
exorcism and scissors on his string. Then I looked at his yo-yo and
saw him for the cheating son of a Beatrice (I think that was his
mom's name) that he truly was.
Even with this knowledge I vowed to not
stoop to his level of yomania because I was determined to be more
honorable, noble, trustworthy and they didn't have any of the
X-Brains at the Wal-Mart in town. Still that night of the showdown
was upon us. With the entire camp of young campers watching as we
matched each other trick for trick. Mine were obviously more
impressive since I was using a standard, non-cheating, lame yo-yo.
The final challenge was upon us. It was time for the round the world
trick. He did one. I did one. He did a double. I did a double. He did
a triple. I said, “I'll go you one better. Watch this quadruple!”
With all my might threw my yo-yo forward and up.
Do you remember that extra string that
came with my yo-yo. The instructions that I read later stated
clearly: “You need to change the string after extended use since it
is not designed to meet the rigors of competitive yo-yo dueling by
testosterone fueled 20-somethings trying to show off for the hot
blond counselor in the back row.” I didn't change the string. My
yo-yo did the most amazing trick when I tried to do my quadruple
round the world. It tried to go around the world – for real. It was
found two days later by some hikers about 8 miles from camp. My yo-yo
was no worse for the wear other than a broken string and a couple
battle scars. I didn't get the girl with the yo-yo tricks either. It
turns out she liked archers instead.
Let me tell you how I got good with the
bow and arrow...
