Jingles Bells Doug Style

So many people are concerned these days about the influences of the world upon the youth. We have TV, music and this thing we call the internet that allows you to actually read this. Do you know that there are other influences on young and old alike that are both ancient and modern all at the same time. Let us look at the hidden, subliminal messages located in that corrupting, much maligned, head banging, heart breaking song: Jingle Bells. Let us look at what James Pierpont was hiding behind such innocent lyrics. It is about a serial tickler!! I believe Jimmy was the great, great grandfather of Angus Young of ACDC or at least he should have been.

Dashing through the snow

• Run! Run! Run! My little puppet as you flee through a blizzard trying to escape my evil clutches!

In a one horse open sleigh

• I have a fully loaded, killer horse and I'm not afraid to use him! Watch as I open it up and let him run! Hi-ho, Silver!

O'er the fields we go

• Yes I will even chase you through that field of petunias that is oddly covered in snow yet still smell to nice until you get scared and soil the soil.

Laughing all the way

• Muhahahahahahahaha!

Bells on bob tails ring

• I tied a bell on Bob's tail and your tail too so I can track you down.

Making spirits bright

• And now let's light those shots of butterscotch schnapps and spiced run on fire and have a flaming, well lit cocktails before the tickling. Wow! those bells have a tinny sound.

What fun it is to laugh and sing

• You may as well accept the fact you are going to be laughing since I will be tickling your feet even though you are freaked out by anyone touching them so you will sing out threatening to kill me with a spoon, a Christmas ornament and a can of Spam.

A sleighing song tonight

• Yes I will kill you with tickling or at least make you sing out as you pee your pants.

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

• I can hear you running away from me because you forgot about that bell I put on your back in that spot you can't reach. If you slow down I'll make it stop. Please stop!

Jingle all the way

• You are gonna be jingling even when I am sitting on you and tickling you till you beg me to stop. Or those bells may be having an effect on my mind since I am thinking about crushing that bell with a steamroller!

Oh, what fun it is to ride

• I don't know about you but I am having a blast. Now hold still while I position the steamroller.

In a one horse open sleigh

• Don't forget the killer horse I mentioned earlier. He doesn't seem to like those bells you are wearing either.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

• OK. Those bells are getting on my nerves now so please stop running around and lets get the tickling over with.

Jingle all the way

• Please stop jingling. Can't you hear it? It's driving me nuts! I'm begging you here!

Oh, what fun it is to ride

• The fun is really coming to an end thanks to those stupid bells that are driving me insane although it was a short trip.

In a one horse open sleigh

• Go get 'em Trigger! The bells! The bells! ARRRGGGHH!

Now that you know the true meaning of the song I hope you will sing it with all the gusto and glory it deserves!