Superheros That Just Didn't Make It

This may come as a shock to you but I am a fan of superhero movies. Someone as incredibly serious and cool as I am liking the dorky things like X-Men, Iron Man and Avengers seems to push the bounds of probability but it is true. The levels of my nerdity are nearly epic since I even liked the Green Lantern movie. The dream of having the healing factor of Wolverine or the teleporting of Nightcrawler (who is the coolest of all of them no matter what my brother says) would be better than a weekend with the Swedish Bikini Team. Well make that as good as.


Anyway, have you ever wondered about the ideas for superheros that just didn't make it into comic books or movies? Perhaps we should think about some of these wannabe heroes that would not even make it to the list on Who's Line Is It Anyway. Allow me to torment you with some ideas about these Super-Zeros.


The idea of the Hillbilly Hedgehog was not what everyone wanted to read about. The problem arose when this hero tried to derive his powers from an accident involving a moonshine still, a Southern white-breasted hedgehog, two tooth picks, and a 7.43 pounds of butterscotch pudding. The resulting super being was not what the crazed Appalachian Miffed (he wasn't really mad) Scientist was trying for. Dr. Bubba created a man with nipples that could puncture the black inner tubes used for floating down the river but also made him pee rot gut shine. It wasn't even a decent quality of shine... Not that I tried it.


Then there was Captain Caterpillar. He was a result of a teleportation accident where a man and a caterpillar had DNA merged. When the scientists discovered what had happened to the cleaning guy who was in the chamber when the accident happened, the shipped off Mr. Horace Peabody to a secret lab in the mountains of Idaho to help him learn to use his new appendages in a way that would benefit all mankind. The extra legs would have been handy if they hadn't been coming out of his nose. On the positive side his friends always had an idea for birthday gifts for him; but how many nose hair clippers can you really have in your medicine cabinet?


Let's not forget Bernice Ivy Taylor – Chemically Huffiness. Before her run in with laser that fried the nice part of her brain, she was a mild mannered librarian at the Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico Public Library. After her mishap she decided to use her new found crabbiness to take on all forms of evil wherever it may lurk in along the highways and byways of Truth Or Consequences. Sadly for her, there was more truth than consequences and her frustration ended up be focused on obliterating one of the more evil forces known to mankind: Beanie Babies.


I hope these super-non-heroes have amused you and made you appreciate how good you have it. Although nose legs would be a great conversation starter at any party.