Polar Vortex

While sipping my morning coffee and watching Al Roker on the Today show explaining the history of a polar vortex I had a strange thought. What are the odds, right? Why hasn't someone taken that name for a cool band? My personal preference would be for a Scandinavian Alternative Rock Band that plays their music on amplified icicles and Skagen toast. Since that doesn't seem to be happening I decided to look for other things that could be a polar vortex instead of the brutally cold weather that caused the crazy bird outside my window to freeze to the branch. Don't birds fly south for the winter? This one missed the memo.

Imagine, if you will, a trained polar bear in a frilly pink tutu that has been taught to dance Swan Lake. I know it's weird but just go with it. As the behemoth of a bear pirouettes like a furry, white Baryshnikov, it spins faster and faster altering the air flow around it causing the trained caribou, white wolves and the ocelot to be pulled in until you have the polar bear vortex. Oddly, my vision of Swan Lake has no swans. There is cockatiel though.

Another possibility for a polar vortex would be the the keg parties at the University of Northern British Columbia. All you need for this is your choice of Canadian beer – Moosehead would be a good one – a large funnel and an undergrad with too much time on his or her hands. The spinning amber liquid goes right down the funnel and further down into the spinning head of the freshman. As soon as three or nine beers are in the student, the spinning head leads to a spinning room which leads to a spinning toilet bowl and then you have the college polar vortex.

Or how about twenty-seven Macaroni penguins running in a circle accusing each other of wearing really bad yellow toupees. They would also be calling each other the rudest of Macaroni penguin insults like “Spaghetti hair”, “Ziti face”, and “Cannelloni butt”. Once things break down into “chili-mac nose” things get worse and the swarm gets faster and faster as they waddle after one another creating a south polar vortex.

Now aren't those more interesting than cold weather that freezes front doors shut, closes schools, and makes the most sane people into polar vortex bumper car drivers?