Women’s Restrooms

Ok. There are certain places that men know nothing about. Yarn Barns, Potpourri Boutiques, Yankee Candle Companies and women’s rest rooms are just a few. Yarn Barns are such that I don’t care what they look like. They are probably a kitten’s or my grandmother’s dream! Potpourri is too sickly sweet scented to be something that I would even want to be anywhere near. I hear there is one just 35 miles from here in Pigeon Forge and I smell that it is true.  I went in a Yankee Candle Company once and only once in an attempt to placate an irate mate. It didn’t work so I didn’t go back. But the women’s restroom is a mystery to me.

There are many stories about the glories of the women’s lavatories. But us guys have no idea if they are true or just another of the games that women play with our heads. Guys’ restrooms are simple. We go in there and we go. We leave. It is a solo and solitary activity. One of the many things that confuses us about the other sex’s outhouse is why it takes so many of you to do that voodoo that you do in the loo. Any woman can stand up and say, “Who needs to go?” and all of you will go. Any guy who asks that same question will be going alone! WHAT DO YOU ALL DO IN THERE TOGETHER? I really want to know!

Another thing that I have heard is that there are couches, plants, fountains, wine bars and fully trained massage therapists. There are obviously different needs for the female of the species. The need to apply, reapply and airbrush on makeup is something that the meticulous maidens must muster. There are other female needs of which I am blissfully ignorant and have every intention of remaining so until the day I die. Don’t even try to tell me because my fingers will be in my ears and I will be going, “la la la la la la” if you try.

There is also a rumor that is so farfetched that it cannot possibly be true. I hesitate to bring it up because – as silly and insane as some of my ideas are – this one is borderline psychotic. Even I have limits as to the bizarre things I am willing to inflict upon you, my helpless, hapless reader. Even Rod Serling would think twice before suggesting something so out there as this. But the story is – please don’t mock me for repeating something that is not my idea – that the women’s bathrooms are… clean. I know! Don’t laugh. It is just what I heard! There is no way it can be true!! Stop laughing! I’m sorry I ever suggested something like that.

Will one of you kind ladies please help me out here? There are so many of us guys who want to know what is so special. We know it is not the whole clean thing that is a titanic myth. But what is it? If you tell me I promise to keep your name confidential but I have to confess that I will share with my brother guys the truth as you share it.