Beauty is Only Skin Deep

There is a figure of speech that says: “Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes straight to the core.” It has been my pleasure to meet some of the most beautiful people I have ever encountered in the past few months. It has also been my displeasure to encounter some of the ugliest people in my life in the past few years. The strangest thing is that the way each of these people look has absolutely nothing to do with beauty or ugliness. One of these ugly people was in my own mirror. Perhaps this is part of the learning process.

Five years ago I was much more shallow that I am now. Making my decisions about people based on how they looked was a common occurrence. Priding myself on my ability to read people allowed my arrogance to trump my good sense because I could see people who treated others poorly but would still choose to like and trust them because they were nice to me. I heard the axiom that the person who is nice to you but not nice to the person who waits on you at the restaurant is not a nice person. I didn’t understand it until now. Becoming the person to whom they were less than kind was an eye opening experience. Perhaps this is all part of growing up and maturing.

Four years ago you could find me laughing at the jokes made at the expense of someone else because I thought they were beneath me. Pride and prejudice were more than the words of the title of novel by Jane Austen. They described me to a tee. If someone failed and fell, my laughter could be heard with the others who were looking down their noses at the one who was seen as misbegotten and moronic. The person whom I had become was not the person I wanted and needed to be. He was just playing a part that was expected of him. He was cruel. He was ugly. Perhaps this was the most painful part of the growing process because I was about to be pruned.

Two years ago saw everything change. Going from the one who was laughing to the one who was laughed at was a rude awakening. Falling from the perceived state of grace was rough tumble. In fact the golden boy that was seen by others and myself turned out to be merely gold plating over a very tarnished lead. That lead was sinking fast and there was no one to stop it. The list of mistakes, errors, blunders and outright sins would make for some spicy and humiliating reading. It is sufficient to say that I was finally being shown who I was and who I had become. Those I trusted were shown to be false. Some whom I loved betrayed that love. Even I was not a good friend to myself. Perhaps this was needed so that I could rebuild from rock bottom.

Looking back at the past seven months has seen a major metamorphosis in my life. There is no way I can say I’m becoming a beautiful butterfly. I know that is not true. I’m not even sure the chrysalis from which I’m almost ready to emerge will even show a moth. There is one thing I do now know about this transformation that is occurring in my life. There is no way I’m going back to be like I was before. The person I used to be was not even likable if you really knew him. I want to be like the man I was 20 years ago before I let the things of this world and the wrong people have such a negative effect on my life. Perhaps this is the beginning of something great in my life.

The best part for me is the future. It is time for me to do something that is more difficult that anything I have ever done. This is something I have never done before. It is not easy. It is not part of my nature. It goes against almost everything I have ever believed and done about myself. It is time – and I write this with fear and trepidation – to forgive myself. Forgiving others has not always been easy but the past two years have taught me much about that. Forgiving myself has always been something that has eluded me. I was still holding onto things from grade school! The past is gone. I have told people over the years that it is arrogant to hold onto things that even God has already forgiven. Now I need to listen to my own advice. I forgive me.

It is time to forgive and not remember it again. Forgetting is an accident and passive. Not remembering is intentional and active. I am now choosing to not throw things from my past in my own face anymore. The monumental mistakes and bountiful blunders are now taboo subjects because they are no more. That is the nice thing about the past. It is gone. So are my salacious sins. New life is mine. Forgiveness from God has always been there. Forgiveness from me is something new. It feels very good. For the first time in a couple decades I will be beautiful.