Why do I always get the lame fortunes in my cookies? “You will be relaxed if you get to sleep.” “You will make your fortune if you invest well.” “Help me. I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory surrounded by rabid llamas.” Would it kill the fortune cookie gods to let me have just one fortune that says something good? “Today you will meet the love of your life who will be at the corner of 5th and Main at 5:46pm.” Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the writer of the fortunes in the cookies? They would NEVER let me do that. It is really a shame because I think that they would be interesting. Here are some of the fortunes that I would put in them.
- Today you will meet a beautiful woman, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
- Your fortune will be made from the creation of mutant hamsters.
- Beware of the dreaded jackalope!
- Moo goo gai pan means “I’m a dumb American who doesn’t know what I’m eating.”
- Don’t ask what’s in the egg roll.
- Do you really think that these fortunes mean anything?
- How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a mini mouse could move moose?
- Your lucky numbers are 5; 12; 17; 18; 23; 41; 4,356,632,556.
- How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man? The answer my friend is … 7.
- Look behind you!!!
- We know who you are. We know where you live. We know everything you did last week.
- Bigfoot is real!
- It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your cat is?
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone. Fart in an elevator and you really find out who your friends are.
Look for these in a fortune cookie near you.
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