There
are a few differences in the linguistic traditions of the British
Empire and those of us on this side of the pond in the Colonies.
Translation: The English say things in a funny way! But we still love
them! If I were to drive a lorry up, take a lift and talk to a frog
on the way to your flat, you would wonder what drugs I was on in
America. However, in London you would think I drove a truck, got on
an elevator, spoke to a Frenchman and went to your apartment. Isn't
the second one a lot easier?
Those
make a little bit of sense to me. A lift instead of an elevator
actually makes more sense since it save time and three syllables. A
flat instead of an apartment is better because they are not apart but
all squished together and they are supposed to be flat, There was
this one apartment I had in college that was not flat. I caught the
mice spreading flower in the hall and trying out their tiny little
skis on a black diamond slope. And frog instead of Frenchman makes
sense because they eat lots of frog legs – or so I have heard –
and you know that you are what you eat. Could we also call them
snails due to the eating of escargot? And lorry is just... well...
hmmm... I knew a Lori who was a trucker.
There is
one British word that makes no sense to me: chips. In America, chips
come in a bag and are typically made of potatoes, corn, blue corn,
vegetables, meat or anything else we can slice thin and drop in a vat
of boiling oil. In England a chip is a slice of potato that is
dropped in a vat of boiling oil which fries them giving them their
name in America: fries. They used to be called French fries but then
people thought they were made of frogs and we stopped calling them
French or something like that. At least we have the same medieval
torture cook set in common. An American chip is called a crisp in
England which in America is a chip that has been ground up,
processes, and made to look like a uniform kind of chip. Slicing
seems easier to me but they didn't check with me before making them.
Why are
chips not fries? Why are fries not chips? I have a theory that either
MI6 or the CIA has a plot to keep us speaking the same basic language
but adding in the subtle little differences to keep us doubtful and
suspicious of one another so that we will continue to work together
but not get so comfortable that we forget that we are different
countries. I think the dental care in America will continue to make
that distinction without the resulting word war of the secret
societies.
I have a
solution. Take all the words that are used in Britain that we don't
understand and put them in the same category that we do southern
words that make no sense either. Consider that as you are pushing
your buggy through the Kroger looking for greens and hog jowls.
