Chips

There are a few differences in the linguistic traditions of the British Empire and those of us on this side of the pond in the Colonies. Translation: The English say things in a funny way! But we still love them! If I were to drive a lorry up, take a lift and talk to a frog on the way to your flat, you would wonder what drugs I was on in America. However, in London you would think I drove a truck, got on an elevator, spoke to a Frenchman and went to your apartment. Isn't the second one a lot easier?

Those make a little bit of sense to me. A lift instead of an elevator actually makes more sense since it save time and three syllables. A flat instead of an apartment is better because they are not apart but all squished together and they are supposed to be flat, There was this one apartment I had in college that was not flat. I caught the mice spreading flower in the hall and trying out their tiny little skis on a black diamond slope. And frog instead of Frenchman makes sense because they eat lots of frog legs – or so I have heard – and you know that you are what you eat. Could we also call them snails due to the eating of escargot? And lorry is just... well... hmmm... I knew a Lori who was a trucker.

There is one British word that makes no sense to me: chips. In America, chips come in a bag and are typically made of potatoes, corn, blue corn, vegetables, meat or anything else we can slice thin and drop in a vat of boiling oil. In England a chip is a slice of potato that is dropped in a vat of boiling oil which fries them giving them their name in America: fries. They used to be called French fries but then people thought they were made of frogs and we stopped calling them French or something like that. At least we have the same medieval torture cook set in common. An American chip is called a crisp in England which in America is a chip that has been ground up, processes, and made to look like a uniform kind of chip. Slicing seems easier to me but they didn't check with me before making them.

Why are chips not fries? Why are fries not chips? I have a theory that either MI6 or the CIA has a plot to keep us speaking the same basic language but adding in the subtle little differences to keep us doubtful and suspicious of one another so that we will continue to work together but not get so comfortable that we forget that we are different countries. I think the dental care in America will continue to make that distinction without the resulting word war of the secret societies.

I have a solution. Take all the words that are used in Britain that we don't understand and put them in the same category that we do southern words that make no sense either. Consider that as you are pushing your buggy through the Kroger looking for greens and hog jowls.