Textisms That Should Be

Unless you live under a rock in the bottom of a pond in a third world country like Arkansas you must know about texting. I will admit it. My name is Doug and I'm a textaholic. It started out so innocently. Like so many out there today it began with me thinking it was stupid to text someone on my PHONE when it was just as easy to call them and actually talk. Then I sent my son a text. He sent one back! How cool was that?! I sent another and got anther. I tried another person and got one back from them. Person after person was texting me and texting me. Then I was carrying on 73,295 conversations and had a record so I could actually keep track of them!

In the interest of being the helpful person that you, dear reader, know I strive to be, I have come up with some new textisms that I think we should use. I'm not talking about the “LOL”, “YW”, “SEXTING” or even “LQTM” (Laugh Quietly To Myself). These all come from my fertile, twisted, creative and over-imaginative mind.

• DREXTING – also called “OMG THAT HURT”. This is DRiving while tEXTING. This is something that so many people do that really annoys me so I steer with my knee, access the web on my smartphone and look up their license tag and then Google their name and find an e-mail address so I can send them an e-mail right then to tell them how dangerous DREXTING can be.
• REVEXTING – also called “I'M GONNA REGRET THIS TOMORROW”. REVenge tEXTING is something that is usually brought on by tequila, vodka, rum, and/or absinthe. Usually absinthe. It usually centers around a real or perceived slight that makes your alcohol addled mind vent venom in your texts making you look at your phone the next morning wishing for the Mission Impossible self destruct in five seconds feature for your messages.
• EXTING – also called “I HATE THEM SO MUCH I DON'T WHAT TO HEAR THEIR WHINEY VOICE”. EX texTING is one of the most useful features of texting and I believe this was why it was invented by a computer geek at Google going through nasty divorce while also suffering the loss of his girlfriend who was the cause of the divorce. You can send little snarky messages to the ex and have a record of them as will the ex to use in the restraining order court documents.
• RELEXTING – also called “YES, I AM AVOIDING TALKING TO YOU MOM!” RELative tEXTING is almost as handy as EXTING but has fewer legal consequences but a much higher rate of guilt when your mom realizes that you are not in a board meeting at 10:15pm. Unless she is blond and then there is a good chance she will buy it!
• PLATEXTING – also called “DUCK-BILLED MAMMAL COMMUNICATION THAT LEADS TO THE NSA ON YOUR DOORSTEP WITH THE SECRET SERVICE AND HOMELAND SECURITY AGENTS NEARBY TO TAKE YOU AWAY IT GITMO.” Just don't do this one. It is far too dangerous because the platypus is secretly smarter than you are.

I hope these have been helpful to you in your endeavors to further your textological techniques to create textocity technology for our textocracy. I have no idea what any of those things are but they sound good.

Politically Incorrect Candy

Growing up as a child in the 70s there are a few things that you should know about me. There is a song by Mark Wills where he talks about seeing the stuff inside Stretch Armstrong that makes perfect sense to me. I even knew that the goo inside Stretch Monster was exactly the same. They may have been brothers but I don't have proof. I also kicked butt on Space Invaders at the arcade! There was a pattern to that too! Scary invaders feared my awesome skill with the moving laser cannon that could only move back and forth but still killed them all!

But the one thing that I miss most of all is the candy of my childhood. Sure we still have Milk Duds, Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers and Mounds even though Mounds are really disgusting. The ones I really miss are the ones that no one would ever give their kids in these politically correct days. What ever happened to the bubble gum cigars? They came in blue and pink! The makers of those gum cigars didn't care if you were a boy or a girl; black or white; American or foreign. As long as you bought that gum and starting thinking about how cool it would be to smoke a real stogie someday, the makers of those chewable Cubans were happy.

But those weren't near as fun as the gum cigarettes. Those things were awesome! It was just like an unfiltered cigarette my mamma smoked but mine had gum instead of those gross ground up leaves. There was even a layer of powdered sugar between the gum and the paper so you could blow on it and make smoke come out. However, inhaling the fake fumes was not a good idea because you can develop a serious cough from the effects of simulated smoke in your lungs. Now that I think about it there may have been some wisdom in letting me have those.

Then there were the candy cigarettes that came in their own little hard pack. They were so cute with the little red tip to make it look like you were really smoking right beside dad. You could bite yours though. Let's see dad do that! Yeah, we were cool. The only problem with those candy cigarettes was - and I am being kind - they tasted like urinal cakes. Not that I have ever tried a urinal cake as far as you know.

I really wish my kids could try the candy of my youth. If you look at me there is some strangeness but I turned out OK. Even though I'm not a smoker I did smoke once but I was on fire so I don't think that counts. (It was Boy Scout Camp and involved an unbeleivable s'mores accident. Don't ask! I'm still in therapy about it.) Well it is too bad I don't have an old country style store right in downtown that has barrels full of old fashioned, politically incorrect candy. Or do I? Envy me all you who live in places that care about political correctness! I live in East Tennessee! Muhahahahahahahahahahaha!

The Barney Factor

There are many guilty pleasures that none of us want to admit we enjoy. There is Dexter which appeals to our sense of justice when the good guy serial killer go after the ones that get away with murder. There is the extra large Dairy Queen chocolate malt with whipped cream and two cherries that you savor in the same way that light savors the slow speed in which it travels. Then there wearing the boxer briefs filled with tapioca that I know everyone else does secretly but I am boldly standing before you today proclaiming that I like it! What do you mean no one else does that? Just me? I'm kidding. I don't do that often.

But there is one show that gives me a guilty pleasure like no other: How I Met Your Mother. It's OK. You can admit it too. There is the lonesome loser of Ted who never seems to find the woman of his dreams which is a good thing because had that happened in episode 2 it would have been a very short series since it is about how he met the kids' mother. There is also Robin who is always the pretty girl who can't seem to stick with one guy possibly due to her love of Canada, guns, and the fact that she has a right cross that has knocked guys out cold. Marshall and Lilly will always be the perfect couple who are trying to make things work in a world that surrounds them with challenges of couplehood, parenthood and lots of beer. And then there is Barney.

Barney Stinson, played amazingly well by Neil Patrick Harris, is one of the best men out there for guys who are single. He shows how to pick up women in every conceivable way. He has picked up women as Barak Obama, Jr., Neil Armstrong, the bassist of Cheap Trick and as a gay guy getting a lesbian. (The humor in that goes beyond the character to real life if you think about it.) But the real test remains to be seen. Could Barney pick up chicks dressed as a chicken? I would love to see that! What's that Barney? Challenge accepted? YES! I'm sure the jokes about chickens and laying eggs almost write themselves. Then we need to get him to try it while sky diving. I don't mean skinny skydiving which they have already discussed ad nauseum (that means til you want to puke) but picking up a woman while in free-fall without her cutting his parachute! That would be the ultimate rejection! Perhaps we need to see him picking up a supermodel while wearing hush puppies, a white shirt buttoned all the way to the top with a pocket protector and his hair Brill Creamed back like so many of us in high school looked...I mean so many of you. Not us. Ha ha ha ha.

Do you want to know what I like best about Barney. It is not the number of women he gets. It is not the suits although they are legen...wait-for-it...dary. It is the fact that he is the biggest cad out there. Yes I used the word cad and didn't refer to Hugh Grant! Gentleman pay attention. This is important! No matter how bad your opening line is you can salvage it by doing the following:

1. Laugh at it.
2. Say, “I'm sorry but I can't keep a straight face when I say that.”
3. Point to a random table of guys and say, “They bet me I wouldn't use that line that we all saw on How I Met Your Mother by Barney. Isn't he the worst guy ever?”
4. Think of everything Barney would do or say and do the opposite. Think of it the same way you think of child rearing and how your dad did things.

I honestly think that will really work well guys. Go out there and give it your best shot. He is an inspiration to us all as a means of what NEVER to do! And if by some miraculous stroke of unintended and accidental genius all this is right, let me know so I can try it too.

Mirror, Mirror!

Perhaps it is my fascination with Alice in Wonderland that has me thinking. It could also be an episode of Doctor Who that is on my mind that featured him trapping an evil alien in every mirror everywhere. For some reason I am wondering about the other world on the other side of the mirror. I keep seeing this man looking back at me that is showing signs of aging. That poor guy. It is sad that he can't stay as young and vibrant as I am on this side of the mirror. I wonder if this is a Dorian Grey kind of thing which you should not confuse with a Christian Grey kind of thing although I do understand the confusion there.

What if there really is a whole different world through that looking glass. Touch it! Did it give way like it did for Neo in The Matrix? No? Me neither. But we need to keep trying because the day may come when we can press our way through the mirror to a whole new world where the laws of physics are totally rewritten and we not longer need fear the sublime and surreptitious which are replaced by the surreal and salacious. Don't you wish there was a world where we all could keep the bodies we once had as the 20-something who never really appreciated how good they had it? Or perhaps we want a world where the things that make no sense here are perfectly sensible like Congress, the DMV, the popularity of Elmo, the fact that the names for asteroids and hemorrhoids are meant to be exchanged, and the meaning of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Really! who was the old guy eating at the end of that movie? Please mirror world explain that movie to me because I have been wondering for three decades and have lost some sleep over it. Yes, I know I need a life.

OK. Here is the plan. We all try to find a way into that other world on the other side of the mirror. At precisely 8:13pm eastern time we all put our mirrors on the floor and chant the mysterious mirror mantra, “Mirror, mirror on the ground, let us squares be something round.” Then do the dance of a thousand dirty socks while playing “It's Hip to Be Square” by Huey Lewis and the News on a kazoo as your wiggle your left ear. I know it is a lot to ask but we need to see what's on the other side.

Wait a sec. I just Googled it. Never mind. It's just silver under glass. Oh well. It was worth a try and I got a blog out of it.

Waiting and Waiting and Wading and Waiting

You've been there. The web page is going to be so cool! The flash player gives you the count up! It starts off great going from 1% to 18% to 31% to 63% to 92%. Then it goes to 93% to 94% to 94.1% to 94.14% to CRASH! You have said it! Admit it! “What kind of world are we living in when I cannot load Angry Birds?!” What is wrong with the world? THIS is what really cause the decline and fall of the Roman Empire! They had slow DSL connections for downloads and the barbarian hoards had 4G smartphones to coordinate their attacks leading to the Visigoths, who were dressed in black and had dyed their hair too, to sack Rome while singing the lyrics of The Cure!

Waiting for a page to load or a file to copy has really been getting on my nerves lately. Since switching from a smart phone to a dumb phone I find it rather annoying having to wait for my pages to load. And then there is my computer which has a death wish since it is always taking FOREVER to load anything that has this new features on web pages that are called jpegs. I actually had to blink before it loaded them! Yeah. It's that bad.

And don't even get my started on the Playstation 3 and it's spinning spiral of death that tells me it is loading the latest update to my system software. Then after waiting 39 seconds it reboots which takes 12 seconds. Doesn't it realize I need to play Borderlands 2 RIGHT NOW!!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Hold on. I just remembered something. Once upon a time I had a Commodore64 that had an incredible 64K of RAM. Yes boys and girls. That was high tech when I was young and dinosaurs roamed freely on the plains...or at least in this game that I had where I road a triceratops chasing down mammals to stop the inevitable extinction of the terrible lizards. But that computer (yes it was really a computer even though my dumb phone is smarter that it was) took forever to load. It originally had a cassette tape drive. That is a drive that stored data on a cassette tape. If you played it in a tape player it sounded like a Satanic Symphony of Sad Sadistic Souls... or is that one of Marilyn Manson's songs. Anyway, it took forever to load a simple program. I had one file that took 13 minutes to load! It was less that 64K!

Now that I think about it I'm going to stop complaining about load times. They really aren't that bad. But what about when you are filling the gas tank and the little gizmo is broken so you have to hold the handle until the tank is full? THAT IS HELL ON EARTH!!!

Lions and Hippos and Zebras! Oh Yum!

Few people know this about me but I am quite the connoisseur of unusual foods. I'm no Andrew Zimmern and I don't like Bizarre Foods. The show is amazingly like a train wreck that you don't want to watch but cannot help yourself because you are thinking, “There is no freaking way he is actually going to eat THAT!” And then he eats it and you are grossed out and enthralled all at the same time. You are one sick puppy! I've never actually watched a whole episode since I am so squeamish. Well, I eat haggis so I guess I'm not that squeamish. OK. I've never really eaten it but I want to try it sometime. Well, maybe not try it but smell it. Now that I think about it smelling may not be that smart either. I'll Google it and look at a picture. Hold on. Oh dear Lord I wish I had not just done that! Look at this!

http://www.turnbullclan.com/tca/images/stories/2012pics/haggis_recipe.jpg

Now that we have that settled let's talk about interesting animals we all need to try. Lion tastes amazing! If you have never tried it you are missing out. There is delicate crunch as you take your first bite. The explosion of flavors that burst through your taste buds defies explanation. Now you may be surprised to learn there is a similar flavor in the delicious delicacy that is zebra. You know how people say that so many things taste like chicken? This isn't one of them. In fact, I'd say the zebra really tastes like lion! Maybe it is because the lions eat the zebras so you are really tasting zebra when you eat lion. But that does not explain why every time I eat hippo there is something there that makes me think of the zebra. Do hippos eat zebras too? How do the zebras keep their numbers up with both lions and hippos eating them. Wait! Hippos are herbivores so they would not eat the zebra. They must eat some of the same herbs that the zebras eat and that creates the similar flavor. But can someone please explain to me how on earth the polar bear tastes like the lion? They are no where near each other on the planet! Lions must eat fish and seals too!

Well that is all of the animal crackers I have. Who knew that animals have Enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), high fructose corn syrup, sugar, soybean oil, yellow corn flour, partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, and calcium carbonate?

Yo Baby! Yo!

The other day I discovered something that stopped me in my tracks. I could not believe that it was still around. You think that some things will just fade away like a sitcom star after a long run and then they cannot find work because they are typecast. (Sigh. I miss Tina Yothers.) But then there it is like a beacon of hope; shining like a star in the vast murky darkness of the dark matter steeped cosmos. I am of course talking about my old Yomega X-Brain! It is awesome!

That is one of the coolest yo-yos ever made. It has these cool little ball bearings inside to help you do tricks. You have no idea how much I wish I had known about it when I was studying the fine art of yo-ology at he feet of Yoya. Ok. I can't remember who was teaching me about yo-yos at summer camp but he was really good at it! It was awe inspiring sitting at his feet as this counselor walked the dog, made it go around the world, and even did the flying saucer. (Don't try it. You're not ready!) His cowboy hat and his swagger made it seem even cooler. If I had actually been a camper instead of a fellow counselor it would have been even cooler for me! Sadly, I did not learn the art of the yo until I was twenty. (Cue the sound of cricket's chirping.) Sadly, I lived a youth devoid of yo-osity and thereby missed out on hours of fun making something that looked liked a continuous butt go up and down for hours. Yes there is something wrong with that sentence if your mind is in the gutter so stop corrupting my innocent, youthful memories.

Using all my powers of persuasion I was able to convince the person who had the time off to go to the store for me and purchase a simple Duncan yo-yo. By powers of persuasion I actually mean that I whined and begged and pleaded til she went to Wal-Mart to shut me up! There is was! It was blue. There was an extra string. (This will come into play in a moment.) There was an instruction book! Ha! I was 20 and knew everything about everything! Who needs an instruction book when I had Yoya as my master of the force of yo-yos. I really wish I could remember that guy's name. I think it was Chuck. Well actually I have no idea but let's say it was Chuck.

Chuck and I became semi-friends and yo-yo dualists! Sure he had the experience. Sure he had more than one yo-yo. Sure he had the cool hat. Sure he had a secret weapon that I knew nothing about. But do you know what I had? I had a snowball's chance in Miami of even coming close to keeping up with him. It was the X-Brain. That #%*$& yo-yo that had the trick ball bearings. I didn't know they made those. I learned to do a sleeper so I could do all kinds of other tricks. His would sleep so long I thought his yo-yo was in a coma! Mine would sleep until it died and just laid there like a yo-yo that has lost its spin. But his would keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and driving me out of my mind as to how he could make it do that! I had come up with a theory to even the playing field that involved a priest, holy water, exorcism and scissors on his string. Then I looked at his yo-yo and saw him for the cheating son of a Beatrice (I think that was his mom's name) that he truly was.

Even with this knowledge I vowed to not stoop to his level of yomania because I was determined to be more honorable, noble, trustworthy and they didn't have any of the X-Brains at the Wal-Mart in town. Still that night of the showdown was upon us. With the entire camp of young campers watching as we matched each other trick for trick. Mine were obviously more impressive since I was using a standard, non-cheating, lame yo-yo. The final challenge was upon us. It was time for the round the world trick. He did one. I did one. He did a double. I did a double. He did a triple. I said, “I'll go you one better. Watch this quadruple!” With all my might threw my yo-yo forward and up.

Do you remember that extra string that came with my yo-yo. The instructions that I read later stated clearly: “You need to change the string after extended use since it is not designed to meet the rigors of competitive yo-yo dueling by testosterone fueled 20-somethings trying to show off for the hot blond counselor in the back row.” I didn't change the string. My yo-yo did the most amazing trick when I tried to do my quadruple round the world. It tried to go around the world – for real. It was found two days later by some hikers about 8 miles from camp. My yo-yo was no worse for the wear other than a broken string and a couple battle scars. I didn't get the girl with the yo-yo tricks either. It turns out she liked archers instead.

Let me tell you how I got good with the bow and arrow...