She's My Best Friend's Girl

My buddy Brian and I have a lot in common. We both went to the same grad school. We both got married within a week of each other. We both got divorced about the same time. We are both grateful that we are not married to the ones we divorced. We both have off the wall, Jim Carryish insane, George Carlin on acid type of humor. And we both think his girlfriend is really hot!

I'm not telling you anything he doesn't know. He agrees with me. She is! The real question that everyone is asking, "How the BLEEP did that happen?" Even he is asking that question! (He gave me the BLEEP line as I was writing!) We have come up with several theories that I feel I should share with you so that they next time you see a couple that reminds you of Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovette or Brian and Christine, you will have a few one liners to use.

• She must be doing community service for her tie-dying kittens offense.
• Her lasik didn't take! 
• Laughter is more important than looks.
• She should never have volunteered for to be at the top of that cheerleading pyramid in high school. She never recovered from the subdural hematoma!
• She likes big shoes and big gloves!
• But he is butt ugly... I mean really nice.
• Short and chubby is what turns her on!
• She was bounced on her head from a third story nuclear reactor in an attempt to create a new super hero as a baby.
• Kindness to strange men is her super power.
• There is an evil plot afoot that makes all the really hot women fall for the really dorky guys caused by a synthetic retro virus designed in a secret lab in the sub basement of MIT's genetic research consortium.
• One word: hypnosis!

I hope these will help you as much as they help me. Well I hope they help you much more than they help me because I still don't know how the BLEEP he got her and she is still my best friend's girl.

Sherlock

There are certain things in life that are sacred. You do not mess with classic movies that are in black and white and colorize them to make them look more modern. There are few things worse that watching Bogart say, "Play it, Sam" while looking like Tom and Jerry should be running around at his feet. Do not ever, ever let a teenager drive when you have had one too many beers. It is hard enough to focus on the road, the sidewalk, trees and large land masses that tend to get in the way of teenager drivers when you are cold sober. Letting a teenager drive when you're drunk can cause a heart condition in a totally healthy person. (Not that I have ever done that.) But the greatest mistake you can make is to remake a classic piece of literature with a modern twist. How tacky!

I don't know about you but I have found that most times those interpretations are at best amusing attempts at appealing to the masses in appalling messes. The modern attempt at Romeo and Juliet with Leo DiCaprio was a good try but looked more like a goof try to me. The Street King was an attempt at retelling the Bard's tale of Richard III with a gangsta feel that should have reconsidered it's colors. The modern treatment of The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in the BBC show Jekyll actually worked well but still left me wanting more. I know I sound like your grandpa and you are thinking that I have a closed mind for such new fangled notions. You would have been right until I saw Sherlock.

Before you make any judgments on my opinions please understand that I have read every story by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle that features the beautiful mind of the obsessive compulsive character of Sherlock Holmes. There was always a dry, British wit to the consulting detective that I found intriguing. The classics characterization by Basil Rathbone and more modern (that means: in color) version by Jeremy Brett are my favorites. Robert Downey, Jr has done a good job, too! Some have tried modern treatments but few have succeeded until now.

The sense of humor appeals to my nature instead of appalling it. There are several lines that really jump off the screen and I feel the need to share them with you since you may have missed them or missed the entire show. It is on PBS so I understand how you may not have seen it. 

Sherlock: Shut up.  

Lestrade : I didn't say anything.
Sherlock: You were thinking. It's annoying.

Sherlock: I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath, do your research.  

Sherlock:  Look at you lot, you're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing. 

Watson: Have you talked to the police? Sherlock: Four people are dead. There's no time to talk to the police.
Watson: So why are you talking to me?
Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson took my skull.
Watson: So I'm basically filling in for the skull?
Sherlock: Relax, you're doing fine.

The writing is amazing and I'm not just saying that because these are the same people who write Doctor Who. It really is phenomenal. Check it out on Netflix or PBS or the BBC. You really don't know what you are missing. (And no I do not get any money for this endorsement. It is solely for your edification but if the BBC wants to toss a few coppers my way I won't complain.)

An I.Q. of Soup

If you have never taken the opportunity to watch people at WalMart then you are missing out! We looked at WalMartians a while back and had a laugh at those people. Today I had a new experience in my neighborhood Wallyworld that inspired me to write. There are a very few rare occasions when you meet someone who has the uncommon combination of humor, charm and intellect. Those moments are best spent engaging in conversation around the true and trending topics of today. It is through these moments that we find new ways to better ourselves and our outlooks on virtually everything. Don't you love it when those things happen? I was in WalMart. That didn't happen.

I had the opposite experience. This very nice woman walked up to me and, dressed as I was in a suit and tie, she asked me if I worked there. Did you catch that? I was in WALMART wearing a SUIT and TIE! How many times have you been in the garden section of WalMart and the courtesy clerk saunters over to you in a Brooks Brothers, double breasted, grey pin-striped suit to help you load your forty pound bag of lamb and goat manure into your Prius? It was then that I realized that this was not an employee of the Oak Ridge National Labs Nuclear Science World Domination division. (Yes I made that up... or did I?) An evil person would take advantage of this poor woman who had the I.Q. of soup. We are not talking Campbell's Chunky Sirloin Burger here. Think off brand cream of celery. I looked her right in the eyes and said, "Yes ma'am. How can I help you?" What can I say? I was bored.

She was looking at the Fruit Loops with a perplexed look on her face. She had gotten distracted and then lost. Don't ask me. I have no idea how she ended up at General Mills when she was looking for Glidden. After guiding her from the cereal section to the paint section where she really wanted to be, we began to discuss the correct colors for the room of a child with A.D.H.D. She had read an article that discussed the concept of creating more stimulation at home to help the child "burn off" some of his energy so they could study better at school. My thought was that medications like Ritalin, Focalin, or Metadate, combined with a generous usage of a Taser would be the better choice. However, I did not want to discourage this lovely lady from her constant conversation with me even though I hardly said a word. There are times when you just have to listen to the other person because you care, are interested, and are speechless at the words being spewed forth on a topic that is so asinine that you cannot believe those particular words are being used in that particular combination. After we found the high gloss paint that needed to be dyed a shade called Brilliant Rose (imagine bright pink on acid) I helped her load her cart and escorted her to the checkout. I bid her farewell and thanked her for shopping at WalMart.

What can I say? Some days I just need to be helpful! And entertained. Yeah. I needed to be entertained.

Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Probably not. I hope not! You should hope not too because, in case you haven't read any of my blogs before, I'm not normal. But lets say for argument that you are thinking what I am thinking... 

• How are we going to get the tutu off the llama when we are done? 
• Do you really think we are ready for the consequences of peeps and pez living together in sin?
• Why would we stop driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile through the mustard car wash?
• Do you really think we can get Larry the Cucumber and my Aunt Mildred to go on a date to watch Attack of the Killer Bob the Tomatoes?
• I agree that noses would be more efficient on our knuckles but think of the bloody noses we would have every time we got into mongoose fights.
• You are right when you think that Congress is living proof that a mind is a terrible thing to waste; however, think of of all the rest of the minds in Congress that are not being used at all.
• Why do you want a kimono donned kimodo dragon for a pet when there are plenty of albino, ebony ferrets in need of rescue in northwest Borneo?
• No replacing all the Pull signs with Push signs is not cruel and unusual punishment... Well maybe it is... But we should soooo do that!
• But I don't want a shrubbery... Well I do want one... But what about the knights to say, ""Ekke Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptangya Ziiinnggggggg Ni"?
• You can walk down as many roads as you want to but I'm not gonna wait for them to call me a man. They can call me Nam cause I'm going the opposite direction on the wrong side of the street!
• You really think I look good in a lavender duck costume and bell bottom pink shorts? Ok. You are the one who keeps telling me you have good taste. I'm trusting you.

Isn't it nice that we can think alike. I get so lonely out here in left field. Come again when your mind wanders away. It'll be right here with me picking dandelions and drinking water buffalo milk.

(Ok. This blog was just weird but I was having a weird night and didn't want to be the only one experiencing it!)

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I don't know if you can tell from my picture but I have a slightly receding hairline. Look really carefully and you can tell. See it?! I don't have bad hair days. Honestly I'm just grateful to have hair days at all!!


Now before you start feeling sorry for me allow me to point out of a few of the perks of being ever so slightly folically challenged.

1. Guess how long it takes me to comb my hair in the morning.

2. Do you know how many hormones are wasted on hair happiness that can be used for more important potent things?

3. Conditioner costs cash!

4. A highly trained stylist command $50 to $250 for a cut, perm and coloring. A $25 clipper from Wal Mart with a #3 guard on it will last for years.

5. Women love a balding head.

6. Women who don't like a smooth head have such poor taste you really don't want to hang out with them.

7. Three names: Sean Connery; Patrick Stewart; Bruce Willis. Need I say more?

8. You have an excuse to wear a fedora! (As if you really need one!)

9. No helmet hair when you get off your bike!

10. A bald head is just a solar panel for a love machine!

You may wish to disagree with me on any or all of these reasons. Feel free to do so! This a free country and you have every right to have your own wrong opinions!

Monday Morning Mischief

I don't know about you but I do not like Mondays. It is just so hard to go back to work after a wonderful weekend of wackiness. Having faced many manic Mondays without The Bangles to help me through I have come up with some handy helpful hints to habitual hilarity for your health. Here are my suggestions for Monday mayhem.

• Show up to work in a tuxedo and insist that everyone call you Mr. Penguin while muttering about Batman.
• At random moments shout, "Happy birthday!" then whisper, "Who said that?"
• Insist that it is National Noogie Day and you are obligated on pain of death to knuckle rub everyone's head.
• Explain to your boss you feel the company should immediately begin a random study into the effects of romantic chaos theory and its existential affects on worker productivity and that you will need a $250,000 budget to start the research.
• Stand on your desk and begin reading from the Inferno of Dante's Divine Comedy and declare that his fiction has finally been realized in this very building!
• Shave your head before going in to work and when someone asks you about it grab your head and say, "I thought that girl with the scissors on the bus looked suspicious."
• Get a Mickey Mouse Pez dispenser and go up to everyone to offer to share with them your secret vitamins of world domination.
• Roll your office chair into the hall and tell everyone you are in time out.
• Insist that everyone call you but your new name: Darth Tator.
• Pour water from a flask into your coffee while making it look like you are being sneaky.
• After you prove to everyone that it was a joke replace the water with vodka.
• Walk up to random employees that do not know you very well and ask if they know what your new title of Executive Employee Termination Consultant means.

If none of these helpful hints appeal to you or you are just too afraid of meeting the Executive Employee Termination Consultant if you try any of these then there is a Plan B. Stay in bed and wait to face the week until Tuesday.

Waking Up Is Hard to Do

There are few things better than having the chance to wake up on your own. Sure, getting free tickets to the Superbowl when the Broncos are playing is better. An all expense paid trip to Tahiti when they are offering girls free Spring Break tickets there might just be a little better. That warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you get to watch the jerk who cut you off in traffic stopped a mile down the road by the motorcycle cop with his ticket pad out writing a really big ticket is pretty good. Of course finding out that Star Trek is real would be cool too. Now that I think about it there are a lot of things better than waking up on your own. But it is still a great way to start the day.

Like every wonderful, pure and beautiful thing in this world there is a flip side. Few things in life prepare you for the hateful intrusion of an alarm clock to your dreamland. I was having this wonderful dream of floating in the ocean of margaritas on a marshmallow raft with the leash of a purple and orange sea turtle in one hand while a dolphin waiter was bringing me a chimmy changa when my alarm went off. Why there were no women in that dream may say a lot about my psyche or it may be that dream had already passed. Hey, I don't remember all my dreams! Anyway, that peaceful, blissful paradise was shattered by the alarm. The sea turned to gin (yuck), the turtle started snapping and the dolphin turned into a shark that ate my chimmy changa. I hate alarms!

Shouldn't we start a letter writing campaign to Congress. If they can make a law that makes us move our clocks forward and back one hour every six months for no apparent reason then let's get those lazy politicos to use their power for good instead of evil. Granted a few may burst into flames by doing something good but I think it is worth the risk. Actually, I think that is another good reason to do this!! I propose that the Congress of the United States of America pass a law banning alarm clocks. The provisions of this new legislation would protect those of us who prefer to sleep later from being persecuted in the workplace and force them to allow us to work at the hours during which we are the most productive or at least awake. Who really gets anything done before 10:00am anyway? As long as we put in our 40 hour work week (lol) why wouldn't that be a better way of doing business? 

Join me today in writing and calling and pestering our congressmen and women to do the right thing! If nothing else they may send us tickets to tour the White House which is all I really wanted from mine in the first place.