Hot Booties

Yeah. I know. I had the same reaction to the title. Not paying attention to the TV my ears and eyes perked right up when I heard the people talking about hot booties. Being as pure, sweet and innocent as I am I was prepared to be offended by whatever disgusting show of feminine wiles that was going to be on this commercial that I was prepared to watch as long as necessary to make sure there were no socially redeeming qualities of this obviously blatant use of flagrant sexuality. At least that's what I was hoping it was.

There have been several times in my life when I have been more wrong than this. There was the time that I decided to dry off my hiking boots a little too close to the fire which lead to my first experience with smoking although there was no tobacco involved. Flames? Yes! Tobacco? No. By the way if you chose to dry off shoes by a fire take them off your feet first. They still tell the story of the white boy who ran 200 yards to the stream in 5.3 second. Legend has it he was going to fast you could see flames coming off his shoes. If they only knew.

Then there was the time when I was driving my corvette with the red light on the front that would go back and forth and we tried to jump two semi's without using turbo boost. Wait a second. That was Knight Rider. Never mind. There was also the time that I only had one Long Island Iced Tea at a friend's New Year's Eve Party when he kept putting more in my glass when I wasn't looking. I don't remember midnight happening and will never totally trust Don again. It was an evil trick that I would never do to anyone else. I used Chocolate Tinis.

But this time I was waaaaay off. The hot booties were hot booties. These are a kind of slipper that is nice and toasty warm. I thought that these were a really cool..errr...hot idea. Don't you like to have nice warm booties on those cold nights? They stay warm for an hour. Then I saw how they warm them. You take the cold booties off your feeties and put them in the microwavey. Yes, you nuke your shoes. Now aside from the risk of toenail cancer please consider what you are doing here. You are putting your shoes in the freaking microwave! I cook burritos in there! I don't want athlete’s tongue. The commercial actually showed a steaming pair of booties coming out of the nuker! That is just wrong! I don't want my smelly slippers stinking up my stuff!

Imagine the scenario. You have just cooked your hot booties and slipped the steaming things on your feet. After smelling salts revive you from the fumes you decide to start supper. You get a pound of ground turkey out of the freezer and put it in that same microwave to defrost. The steaming meat comes out and goes in the skillet. Then you realize you need to melt some butter so in it goes and comes out steaming. Now with only those two items you make your spaghetti. “Dad, are you trying a new spice in your spaghetti?” “No, son. Why?” “There is a hint of parsley. A touch of basil. A good bit of garlic. And there is something that has the flavor of your old Nikes.” I would have to bury the microwave after that. The stench would never go away.

Perhaps this product is meant for the people who do not have stinky feet and I hope both of them like it. I'm going to stick to the hot booties that do not involve a microwave. Yep! Mine will be warmed and burnt to a crisp around a fire as God intended hot booties to be!