Twice Upon a Time

Twice upon a time there were six bears. There was Momma Bear, Papa Bear, angst-ridden Thirteen-year-old daughter Bear, adolescent Third-cousin-once-removed Bear, Neighbor-kid who shows up every morning because he has thing for porridge Bear, and Baby Bear. One morning, after spending an hour preparing porridge for everyone including the brat neighbor bear who mooched off them every morning, Momma Bear suggested they all go for a walk to let the porridge cool. The real reason is that Thirteen-year-old daughter Bear was more angst-ridden than usual and it was either get out of the house or club her over the head with the porridge pan. Although there was whining and complaining about having to go outside before breakfast, Momma Bear made her case for fresh air and exercise while poking everyone with her new family motivation device she found at www.cattleprods.com. Papa Bear seemed to like the shocking just a little too much. While they were out for a walk, the family enjoyed nature while Momma Bear enjoyed zapping Third-cousin-once-removed Bear who kept getting distracted by things like bugs and honey and trees and the way Thirteen-year-old daughter bear would shake her thing.

During their absence, a pair of twin girls, Goldilocks and Goldibagels arrived at their door. Knocking once, they entered without initial felonious intent. Now the Goldi-girls were famished from hiking through the woods because, let’s face it, they were out of shape. Seeing the porridge cooling, they immediately helped themselves since they had not been raised right. Now the first porridge was too hot, but by blowing on it, Goldilocks was able to eat it with no real problem. The second bowl was a little on the cold side, but Goldibagels had a thing for cold porridge and sucked it down like a Hoover at a sawdust factory. Now the next one had some strawberry jam on it that, unknown to the girls, was a teenage-girl bear’s attempt to make it look like the famous bear heartthrob, Justin Bearbear. Without a thought to the amount of additional angst it would cause, Goldilocks ate the whole bowl, licking her lips at the sweet taste of the jam. The next bowl was messy and sticky as honey had been poured all over it. If Goldibagels had only known she was eating the porridge of the cousin who had tried to make a honey-sculpture of a bear boob, she may not have relished it quite as much. The next bowl was just a simple bowl of plain porridge Momma bear had given to Neighbor-kid bear which contained a secret bit of Momma bear armpit hair for that little freeloader. Goldilocks didn’t even notice the odd flavor. The last bowl that Goldibagels ate in two bites had Baby bear’s constipation medicine hidden within.

When the six bears returned home, they found their breakfast had been ravaged. Looking around they discovered two little girls in a hurting condition. Goldilocks was in baby bear’s bed, all swollen and covered in welts from her strawberry allergy. Goldibagels had locked herself in the toilet and refused to let anyone in there until after the effects of the constipation medicine had worn off.

The moral of the story: stealing other people’s porridge will only hurt you and is a crapping thing to do. Also, cattle prods are a good parenting tool.