Just when you think you've seen it all you are proven wrong. It
was a different day in a different airport. Being curious to test my theory of
airport apparel in another place, I found myself looking for people who fit
into my four categories of “Those I Didn't Even Notice”, the “Over-Dressed”, the
“Under-Dressed”, and the “Nearly Dressed”. As I looked around this new airport
I saw many of the people who would quite neatly fit into the first category of
those who do not stand out. There were many, many people who would fit into the
over-dressed category. I saw more suits and ties than I did at my last
insurance conference. (Yes, I have been to one!) No evening dresses per se. I
did see some very interesting things that fit into the yet to be mentioned
fifth category. I also saw some people wearing some of the most unusual items
that can best be described as trash bags. Also there was this one woman wearing
a form-fitting body suit with a body that really made it look good. If spandex
is a privilege and not a right, she was very privileged! I went to the wrong concourse
because of her!
The new category would probably fit in most major airports;
however, this airport was the best for this group. Did I mention where I was? I
didn't? It was a long layover at Washington Dulles International Airport! Oh
yeah! I have a long a sordid relationship with this airport. As long as I am
not driving away from it or set foot outside of it or have to be there for more
than an hour or two, I'm fine with it. It did get me lost one time but that is
another story.
Ok. I won't make you wait any longer. The new airport apparel is
Those Who Are Wearing Things That Are Beyond Anything I Have Ever Imagined! I
know what you're thinking: "With his weird imagination this could be
interesting." I'm hoping you are thinking that because it makes me feel
good. Don't tell me what you're really thinking. My tender psyche can't handle
the truth some days.
These people were amazing! Now to be fair, in their home
countries I am quite sure they would fit into the Unnoticed Nonsense we have
already mentioned. But here?! My thoughts wandered from amused to shocked to
confused to be mocked. There was one man who reminded me of every Africa jungle
movie I watched in my politically incorrect childhood. He had the headdress
made of red cloth towering and covering what must have been a tall afro and the
flowing robes of a tribal chieftain. There was something in his nose that
looked suspiciously like a human ulna. I suspect he was on his way to congress,
the White House or McDonalds. He looked hungry and I got nervous remembering
the stories of cannibals from Gilligan's Island. I hope he made it to Micky-Ds.
There were several people who looked like they came out of one of
Scheherazade’s 1001 tales and, being Washington, they seemed quite normal.
Except for this one who didn't quite get the memo on how to dress in DC. He
looked like he had walked out of Aladdin, but he
didn't look like Aladdin. It
wasn’t his appearance that surprised me, it was his aroma. I do not know when
he bathed last. Based on the fumes that seemed to waft off him I theorized it was
in the early 90's. He had a WAKE of humanity behind him creating a dead zone no
one dared enter! There was one brave teenage boy who was showing off to his
girlfriend and walked into the middle of it. The paramedics were able to revive
him two hours later with minimal brain damage. I just caught a glancing blow but
it made me wish I had no sense of smell. There are no words that truly explain
this odor but if you take a spoiled, raw egg and wrap it around greenish ground
beef put it in a bag with some decaying cabbage then leave it a port-a-john in
the west Texas sun for 52 days… you still would not come close to the smell.
Then I considered the plane he had just been in. That is one 747 that will need
to be bleached, cleaned with ammonia and then buried in the place we keep toxic
waste.
The last person I pondered was from Japan. No one has never seen
that many vibrant colors in one place! Being I guy I look for red, green,
yellow, blue, orange, gray, black and occasionally pink. I do not know what to
call some of those colors. Ummmm... hmmmm... bright! Yeah! Bright! This flowing
dress had all the colors of the rainbow and every variation of every color in
between. There were even a few strands of fabric that drifted into the
ultraviolet and infrared spectrums. I think she enjoyed the attention because
she was smiling at all the onlookers leering without lechery but with
curiosity. It was hypnotic! After watching her pass my thoughts wandered and
for some reason I found myself wanting a new PlayStation. Coincidence or the
subtly subliminal manipulation? You be the judge.
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