Airport Apparel – Part Four

"Those Whom I Didn’t Even Notice”, the “Over Dressed” and the “Under Dressed” have all had the chance to be characterized. Now we need to notice those who want to be noticed so much that they forget to finish getting dressed so they fit in the category of the “Nearly Dressed”. Being a red-blooded American man, I do have to admit that I do notice the ladies who dress for sex-ess. I usually don’t spend time looking for those who are dressed like they are going out to pick up men, but sometimes there are situations that cannot be ignored.

Let me start by saying that I am glad I don’t have daughters. They would have to wear turtlenecks and loose-fitting jeans until they were an age where they wouldn’t look good in anything skimpier. For those of you who have daughters, you have my sympathy. The styles that the young and young at heart wear today are interesting, intriguing, and invisible in some situations. If you remember back in part one, the incident that got me started watching people was a shear blouse on a man. I never saw a shear blouse on a woman that day, but there were a few fashion faux pas that are worthy of comment.

The one that caught my ear was a conversation between a young woman and a young man.

The part that I heard was, “Nope. Just this dress, a thong and sandals.” The word “thong” caught my ear. I am always amazed that some people still call flip-flops thongs and wondered why she twice referred to her footwear. As soon as I found the couple in question, I realized they were discussing her attire. Apparently the man was thinking that this should be on “What Not To Wear.” The woman was just amused and tormenting the poor guy. I can verify the thin white dress was backless and her sandals were quite fetching although they were not thongs. I can’t believe that guy got so upset over the fact she can’t properly identify her shoes.

The next nearly undressed person I saw was sort of wearing a type of tube top. Now this tube top had a cord that went around the back of the neck to help hold it in place. Don’t misunderstand my critique. I have nothing against tube tops. In some venues, like NASCAR races, they are the recognized and required uniform for female fans. Some women can make a tube top work. Others are not able to make a tub top function right. This young woman was truly blessed in a couple of areas. That particular blessing made a cute little tube top a little too little to cover the essentials. It just didn’t work for me. She had to pull up the offending article a total of fourteen times from the time she entered my field of vision to the time she left. O.K. Maybe it was closer to four. But you’ve got to admit that is one pull every four seconds. Perhaps a tube top with built in underwear, with an under wire, and several other gravity defying feats of engineering that would make Howard Hughes proud, would be a bit more appropriate.

There were also several proudly plunging necklines all around as many displayed cleavage that could not possibly be natural. That’s right. These were all man-made fabrics that obviously do not stand up to the rigors of everyday wear and tear, and had begun to disintegrate near the top center of these shirts. I don’t think we can blame these poor unfortunate women for this questionable quality.

Now that I have shared with you the inappropriate airport apparel I hope that has enlightened you for future flights. Even if it hasn’t help you, I had fun watching all of them.

Airport Apparel – Part Three

In this investigative series on the fashions foibles found in our flight facilities, we have ignored “Those Whom I Didn’t Even Notice” and over-analyzed the “Over Dressed.” Now let’s take a queasy look at those who don’t know the difference between airport apparel and clothing to which Goodwill would say good riddance. I am talking about the “Under Dressed.”

We’ve all been there. I can’t tell you how many times I have been invited to a fancy dinner party and have shown up wearing cut-offs, tank top and a do-rag. I can’t tell you that because I never get invited fancy dinner parties. It may have something to do with the do-rag but I’m not sure. There is a big difference between what you wear to mow the lawn and what you wear as you travel on a plane…for most of us. Then there are those referred to by Jeff Foxworthy as having a “glorious absence of sophistication.” Yes, I refer to the rednecks among us. I have some members of my family who could qualify for Rednecks Anonymous based on that definition. You have to admire someone who can dress like Larry the Cable Guy and not feel self-conscious.

Since I had the opportunity to revel in my ADD nature and watch those who were meandering, merging and marching past the airport lounge, it was inevitable that a few less than savory individuals would be wayward wanders. I think I saw Larry the Cable Guy’s sister. She had a shirt with the sleeves cut off. I’m not talking about a sleeveless shirt. This was a shirt that had the sleeves severed with a dull, rusty machete. It was not the most attractive look for this particular (and I use this word loosely) lady. There is something to be said for Daisy Duke cutoffs. Yes, she was wearing a pair of these very short shorts. Catherine Bach or Jessica Simpson can make those work. Many of the women passing by that day could make them work. Wearing Daisy Dukes was probably not the most fashion conscious move that woman could have made since she had never used a razor on her legs. Indiana Jones with a machete may have been able to trim the gore on these gams, but I don’t think he would be brave enough to try! (I know you don’t believe me on this one and I wish I’d had a camera on my phone to prove it.)

Since this was a Southern airport, I expected to find even more people dressed like that Daisy Duke wannabe. Surprisingly, it was difficult to find anyone like the previous woman. I knew that no one would be able to under-dress her. (I wish hadn’t tried to create the particular mental image. Nightmares again tonight!) Just as I was giving up, I saw something that made me do a double take, triple take, and even a quadruple take. Then I just stared with a look on my face that said, “This can’t be real.” I’m not sure what happened to this poor, pathetic, shell of a man. My best guess is that an airplane toilet suffered an extreme malfunction. He was blue. I’m not referring to his mental state (although it would be an accurate assessment). His clothing was splattered with some kind of blue dye like the kind you see when you flush one of the toilets on a plane. Any other day, this man would have easily fit into the nondescript first group of people. Today, he was the star of the “Under Dressed” stage. Let’s call him Mark.

I have an image of Mark’s maltreatment in the presence of a perturbed potty. After one too many of the complementary drinks offered on every flight except the ones I choose to fly, Mark feels the bulging of his bladder that cannot wait for a happy landing. He then excuses himself as he climbs from his window seat over the two others in his row. Not expecting any problems, Mark takes a less than leisurely stroll to the front of the plane where the lightly lit vacancy sign offers a glorious glow. Imagine the relief on his face as his business is completed. The subtle smile begins to grow as he (imagine the theme from Jaws – da dump, da dump) reaches for the handle. Nothing happens. (Now imagine an ominous silence.) He does what anyone would have done in the same situation. When the toilet doesn’t work, jiggle the handle.

Amazingly, for the remainder of the sold-out flight he gets a row all to himself. There are people sitting on laps all over the plane in an attempt to avoid contact with this blue skinned leper. The jiggling of a handle in a pressurized cabin with high velocity blue cleansing liquid can have some fascinating effects. As the liquid squirts out, it needs a place to go. If the bottom section of the toilet is somehow jammed shut (I don’t even like to consider how that could happen), there is only one way for the liquid to go – UP! Mark is now marked for as long as that blue dye lasts.

And I thought airports were boring. Next time we’ll take a look, so to speak, at the “Nearly Dressed”.

Airport Apparel – Part Two

Last time we chatted I brought up the subject of the clothing people wear as they walk, jog, run or make a manic march through an airport. If you haven’t read Part One yet, you may want to start there. It won’t help you make sense of this one but at least you will be reading them in the correct order.

Last time I told you about looking at people in airports. Most fit into the first category of “Those Whom I Didn’t Even Notice.” Since I didn’t notice them, I can’t really think of anything to write. So let’s keep ignoring them and move on to the next group called the “Over Dressed.” I have flown many times in my life and have even flown from the United States to Europe and back. Even though I am not an everyday or everyweek flier, I do have some experience. That experience has taught me a few critical criteria for fun filled flying. The most important is that airplanes, for all their wonders, are not all that comfortable for those of us who fly back in 7^th class. This is just a little bit better than the luggage. Since most of us do not get to fly in first or even business class there is a requirement that we dress accordingly. (Or is that accordianly since you get folded up as you try to squeeze a 73” body into a seat designed to comfortably fit preschoolers). The rule for most of us is to dress for distress. Simple and comfortable is the rule.

You can probably imagine my surprise when I saw a couple who were dressed as if they were going to the Opera. The woman was wearing an evening gown that had all kinds of sparkly things. This attractive, middle aged woman was casually strolling down the center of the concourse as if she were on a runway in Paris instead of near a runway in Charlotte. The man walking nearby was well dressed, too (although he didn’t have sparkly things) with a look on his face that was somewhere between the pain associated with a root canal and the discomfort of extreme constipation. It is the same look I would have on my face if I was forced to go the opera. I can only assume this overdressed couple was planning to watch a live version “The Barber of Seville” as they sipped Napoleon brandy in the Deluxe, Royal Treatment, You-May-Not-Even-Look-Past-the-Curtain, First Class cabin.

There was another woman who seemed to be either lost, nervous or putting on a show. She passed by my table five times as if she wanted all of us in the lounge to notice that she had on Versace, Armani and Gucci and a few other expensive-looking, Italian-sounding names. I guess it worked because I noticed. She was almost as good looking as her designer clothing. Sadly, I think she took the Tammy Faye Baker Home Cosmetics Course when it came to makeup choices and amounts. I really expected small children to run in fear from the makeup monster as she meandered. There was the one young teen who – I could see it in his eyes – was considering the consequences of carving his initials in the base on her face. Overdressed and over makeuped.

I saw countless suits and business attire that I personally would not wear on a plane; but I suppose those business people needed to make a good impression. Even though they were not technically “Over Dressed” they did have my sympathy until I remembered how much more leg room they get in Business Class. And don’t even get me started on how much more butt room they get! They get the better food too! It serves them right having to wear those suits on those long flights. On second thought, they are “over dressed”.

Next time we will look at the “Under Dressed”.

Airport Apparel – Part One

Some time ago I had the astonishing opportunity to sit around an airport for what seemed like three weeks. Really it was only three hours; but those of you who’ve had a long layover know what I’m talking about. You can only make so many laps around the terminal before you are arrested in this post-911 world. When the TSA agents started pointing at me and murmuring into walkie-talkies that was my cue to sit back and have a refreshing adult beverage and try to read my book. Normally this would be no problem. Beer and a Patrick McManus book is as close to heaven on earth that can be achieved while sitting in an airport waiting for your next flight. Then my ADD kicked into high gear.

This time I have to say it wasn’t my fault…mostly. I was sitting outside the airport “lounge” when I was distracted. By the way, the only people I ever see lounging in these airport BARS are people who have had too many mojitos while jet lagged. Anyway, I was sitting there, minding my own business or at least minding my book, when a flash of fabric caught my eye. It was one of those shear blouses like Bridget Jones wore to catch Hugh Grants eye. Of course I averted my eyes. I cannot be blamed if the blouse happened to be moving in the same direction as my averting eyes. It was at this point that I noticed that this shear blouse was the only upper apparel being worn! That would have been even more to my amazement had it been on someone of the female persuasion. Alas, it was not meant to be. The guy did manage to pull off the look as well as any guy could.  

My book was set aside for the actual flight as I began a casual course of people perusal. Honestly, I was looking for the most interesting people I could see. Dressed as I was in black jeans and my Benjamin Franklin beer t-shirt, I felt fairly nondescript. I faded into the woodwork – or metal-work at this airport – and began to make mental notes of the most curiously dressed of all the passersby.

They fit into four categories. The first is what I affectionately refer to as “Those Whom I Didn’t Even Notice.” They were a lot like me. They were wearing something that was appropriate. To be honest, most of the people fit into this category. I would glance at the millions milling past and not even notice the dull, drab and dreary decor they dared to don. If you were one of those people, I apologize for not noticing your nondescript nature; however, I wouldn’t have even noticed myself.

The other three categories are where it gets interesting. The second I named the “Over Dressed.” The third group is for those who were “Under Dressed.” And then there was the fourth which will have to be called “Nearly Dressed.” Tune in next time those who look way too good to be crammed into an airplane.