Illegal Impersonation

While driving my son to school, I heard on the radio about a hardened criminal who had escaped from prison and was on the lam, hiding from the vicious bloodhounds who had caught his scent as he struggled against all odds to reach freedom across the border into the wilds of Georgia. Well, to be honest, it was a guy who escaped from the county lockup who was in for 30-days for possessing drug paraphernalia (I had to Google how to spell that word – I wasn’t even close enough for spell check to guess) and illegal impersonation. Yes, you read that right. I didn’t even know it was illegal to do a bad impersonation. The image I have is of a man who was jailed for being stoned and doing a bad Jimmy Stewart monologue, not unlike most Jimmy Stewart impressions. Who knew it was illegal in Tennessee? This is one weird law that I think should be everywhere.

There are some amazing impressions by various people including Dana Carvey doing Jimmy Stewart that made me laugh so hard I almost passed out. Lack of oxygen will do that to you. I enjoy impressions by Rich Little, Jimmy Fallon and Bubba Johnson (my Sasquatch neighbor who does a great impersonation of a human being) as well. But I have also heard some of the worst impressions in the world by those attempting to do impressions, usually after several rum and Cokes. I will admit to trying to do my impression of Jimmy in Philadelphia Story where he is drunk and talking to Cary Grant. It seems the more drinks I have, the better I think it sounds. But, that guy who got arrested must have been doing the worst impressions ever! The drug paraphernalia may have had something to do with it.

You know what? That guy may have been trying to sound English. In East Tennessee, that can be challenging. I can see it happening: “Top of the mornin’ to ya’ll!” Let’s hope he didn’t try Australian, Scottish or Irish. Those accents sound amazing unless they are done by an American butchering it. No, I am not referring any actor in particular. (Insert your own favorite worst accent by an actor here. There are way too many for me to choose.) Now, being half Scottish, I should have the natural ability to portray a flawless Scottish tone that would make David Tennet believe I was his long lost brother. Sadly, that is not the case. It is something about those R’s and the general tone, plus the vocabulary mixed with the guttural sounds that make mine sound like a man trying to do a really bad Irish accent. I can’t even do a good Tennessee accent and I live here. People are always looking at me and saying, “You weren’t born here, were ya?”

It is time for me to lay low. If the cops are out arresting people for illegal impersonations, then I need to stop doing my Sean Connery while drinking mojitos. That is so stupid. Everyone knows you drink Scotch while walking up to people claiming to be Sean’s son.