Facebook Lessons

It has become apparent that there are many people out there who are blissfully ignorant of some of the basic rules when using social media. Since I hate it when someone has more bliss than me, I want to help remove your ignorance. Please don’t thank me. It’s the least I can do to improve the social quality of your social interactions with people you most likely never see in person.

A few mistakes have been made by yours truly that would be best not repeated by you or anyone else on Facebook. I made a list of basic Facebook Rules for you to follow as if your life depended on it… well, your cyber-life does depend on it. You can only change your name so many times on there before people wise up that you are the same doofus who made the comment on the Black-Eyed Peas fan page about preferring snow peas.

Rule #1: If you are chatting with a buddy about women in one window and your mom about her grandson’s grades in another, DO NOT MIX UP THE WINDOWS! The Oedipal issues aside, if either one is deserving of the title “buddy” or “mom”, neither one will EVER let you forget that.

Rule #2: Facebook is a great place to socialize sober. A bar is a great place to socialize over a few drinks. Facebooking while having too many drinks is a disaster waiting to happen. If you’re like most people, your inhibitions tend to be drown quickly in alcohol. Some of the things you say after a few too many shots of Jack may not be appropriate for the tender eyes of the kids who lie about their age to get a Facebook account. Plus, there is a good chance your mom is stalking your Facebook page. Some things you just can’t explain away.

Rule #3: Some posts sound much better in your head than on the screen. I saw one post that said, “BLANK is a total BLANK for BLANKING my BLANKING boyfriend in our BLANKING BLANKING BLANK BLANK!!!” As you can clearly see there were several missing commas and three exclamation points are not grammatically proper. Please consult a grammar checker before posting something like this.

Rule #4: If you are chatting with a member of the opposite sex, do not confuse the chat window with the status window. Or worse, do not confuse those windows if you are sending a picture you do not want your dad to see. It was so embarrassing for a buddy of mine that I will NEVER let him forget.

Rule #5: If you receive a friend request from a woman/man who is way too hot to be friending you, just say no. She/he is either a) after money; b) a fake pic and profile from your girlfriend/boyfriend to see if you are being good; c) a fake pic and profile from your buddy who is trying to make you look really stupid; or d) a sting operation by the cyber-crime branch of the FBI who think you are a pedophile thanks to the websites your buddy visited while using your computer to “pay some bills”.

I hope these rules are helpful.