The pastors who work really hard won’t need this bit of help I would like to offer. Now, I know some pastors who hardly work and this may be of interest. I have been asked by a couple of pastor friends if I would be willing to ghost write their newsletter articles. I explained to them that it would be deceptive and way too much fun for me to write something for which they would get the credit, glory, and blame. Plus, let’s be honest, my sense of humor would get them fired in a heartbeat.
That
being said, I feel bad for pastors around Easter when they have so many
services, studies and sermons that they don’t even have time to sleep. (Sunrise
services? I’ll think about you when I wake up after 8 or 9.) I sat down to write
a generic newsletter article that any pastor could use to raise up their congregations.
I read through it and thought, “That is way too boring.” I took a few sips of
Southern Comfort and tried again. The second version was a little more
realistic, but not quite right. I finished off my glass of Southern Comfort,
refilled it and tried again. The third version I felt really hit the spot based
on what a friend of mine told me the other day. After… I kinda lost count… let’s
say a few more glasses of Southern Comfort, I was feeling really comfortable
and tried one last time. THAT one was excellent!
The
next morning, after taking a few aspirin, I looked at my work and decided I
should just let the pastor decide which one to use. I made it into
a multiple choice newsletter format for pastors. Please select a, b, c, or d as
fits your individual congregation and personality.
My:
a) fellow
believers,
b) beloved
co-workers,
c) thorns
in my flesh,
d) pagan
scum,
it
is with:
a) joy
and faith
b) hope
for the future
c) fear
and trepidation
d) an
evil and perverse pleasure
that
I share with you:
a) the
successes in our ministry.
b) our
hopes for the future.
c) the
dire situation we currently face.
d) my
therapy bills.
Last
month our attendance numbers were:
a) soaring
to heavenly heights.
b) maintaining
a steady level.
c) in
a slow and sad decline.
d) nonexistent.
Our
gifts to God in offering plate show:
a) our
giving is rivaling that of Solomon.
b) hope
for meeting our goals.
c) that
bankruptcy laws are there for a reason.
d) that
you have a found a way to take money back.
The
church council has:
a) been
praising God for his blessings
b) been
encouraged and is looking for ways to grow
c) disbanded
d) changed
its name to the Mod Squad
and
has asked me to:
a) have
a service of thanksgiving for all our blessings.
b) encourage
you to remain faithful.
c) resign.
d) dress
up like Larry the Cucumber and sing the haircut song while braiding my leg
hair.
Taking
all this into account, the theme for our sermons will be:
a) “The
Faithful are Blessed in Many Ways.”
b) “Our
Hope is in Christ.”
c) “Why
You’re All Going to Hell.”
d) “The
Eschatological Christology in I’m a Little Teapot.”
with
a Bible study series on:
a) “The
Joy in Philippians.”
b) “The
Salvation in Romans.”
c) “The
Judgment on this Congregation in Revelation”
d) “The
Parallels between the Temptation of Christ by Satan and the hunting of
Bugs Bunny by Elmer Fudd.”
In
conclusion, I pray:
a) God’s
continued blessing on each of you.
b) you
hold fast to your faith in Jesus.
c) you
will please leave this church and go torture a Buddhist church.
d) that
I will someday be allowed out of this padded cell.
Any
similarity between the fictitious congregations mentioned here and the place
where you worship is unintentional, but not the least bit surprising.
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