Yo Baby! Yo!

The other day I discovered something that stopped me in my tracks. I could not believe that it was still around. You think that some things will just fade away like a sitcom star after a long run and then they cannot find work because they are typecast. (Sigh. I miss Tina Yothers.) But then there it is like a beacon of hope; shining like a star in the vast murky darkness of the dark matter steeped cosmos. I am of course talking about my old Yomega X-Brain! It is awesome!

That is one of the coolest yo-yos ever made. It has these cool little ball bearings inside to help you do tricks. You have no idea how much I wish I had known about it when I was studying the fine art of yo-ology at he feet of Yoya. Ok. I can't remember who was teaching me about yo-yos at summer camp but he was really good at it! It was awe inspiring sitting at his feet as this counselor walked the dog, made it go around the world, and even did the flying saucer. (Don't try it. You're not ready!) His cowboy hat and his swagger made it seem even cooler. If I had actually been a camper instead of a fellow counselor it would have been even cooler for me! Sadly, I did not learn the art of the yo until I was twenty. (Cue the sound of cricket's chirping.) Sadly, I lived a youth devoid of yo-osity and thereby missed out on hours of fun making something that looked liked a continuous butt go up and down for hours. Yes there is something wrong with that sentence if your mind is in the gutter so stop corrupting my innocent, youthful memories.

Using all my powers of persuasion I was able to convince the person who had the time off to go to the store for me and purchase a simple Duncan yo-yo. By powers of persuasion I actually mean that I whined and begged and pleaded til she went to Wal-Mart to shut me up! There is was! It was blue. There was an extra string. (This will come into play in a moment.) There was an instruction book! Ha! I was 20 and knew everything about everything! Who needs an instruction book when I had Yoya as my master of the force of yo-yos. I really wish I could remember that guy's name. I think it was Chuck. Well actually I have no idea but let's say it was Chuck.

Chuck and I became semi-friends and yo-yo dualists! Sure he had the experience. Sure he had more than one yo-yo. Sure he had the cool hat. Sure he had a secret weapon that I knew nothing about. But do you know what I had? I had a snowball's chance in Miami of even coming close to keeping up with him. It was the X-Brain. That #%*$& yo-yo that had the trick ball bearings. I didn't know they made those. I learned to do a sleeper so I could do all kinds of other tricks. His would sleep so long I thought his yo-yo was in a coma! Mine would sleep until it died and just laid there like a yo-yo that has lost its spin. But his would keep spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning and driving me out of my mind as to how he could make it do that! I had come up with a theory to even the playing field that involved a priest, holy water, exorcism and scissors on his string. Then I looked at his yo-yo and saw him for the cheating son of a Beatrice (I think that was his mom's name) that he truly was.

Even with this knowledge I vowed to not stoop to his level of yomania because I was determined to be more honorable, noble, trustworthy and they didn't have any of the X-Brains at the Wal-Mart in town. Still that night of the showdown was upon us. With the entire camp of young campers watching as we matched each other trick for trick. Mine were obviously more impressive since I was using a standard, non-cheating, lame yo-yo. The final challenge was upon us. It was time for the round the world trick. He did one. I did one. He did a double. I did a double. He did a triple. I said, “I'll go you one better. Watch this quadruple!” With all my might threw my yo-yo forward and up.

Do you remember that extra string that came with my yo-yo. The instructions that I read later stated clearly: “You need to change the string after extended use since it is not designed to meet the rigors of competitive yo-yo dueling by testosterone fueled 20-somethings trying to show off for the hot blond counselor in the back row.” I didn't change the string. My yo-yo did the most amazing trick when I tried to do my quadruple round the world. It tried to go around the world – for real. It was found two days later by some hikers about 8 miles from camp. My yo-yo was no worse for the wear other than a broken string and a couple battle scars. I didn't get the girl with the yo-yo tricks either. It turns out she liked archers instead.

Let me tell you how I got good with the bow and arrow...

Cloths Make the Person?

Have you ever noticed that some items of clothing are just wrong? I'm not talking about the ones that are obvious like Speedos on an overweight man or spandex on anyone who is not a supermodel. Let's consider the many failures of fashion that have been foisted on fragile frames.

The first and most blatant sin comes in the form of hospital gowns. It will always remain a mystery to me why you are taken to a place where you are supposed to heal from physical maladies but subjected to emotional and mental torture by wearing a garment that seems to have been designed by perverted sociopaths. Someone has a sick sense of humor making them so that a well person can't even put them on easily. Am I the only one who feels like they are begging to be molested when wearing those? They are wrong!

Another thing that still makes me wonder after 30 years is leg warmers. For those of you who do not know what they are I will elaborate. Imagine someone wearing tights that offer no protection from cold so a new clothing item was created to keep the much maligned calf area comfy. They are a basically sleeves for your legs. Yeah. I know. They were stupid back then too but Olivia Newton John made them look good somehow. I still remember the day Milton wore them to school. I shudder with the memory. Personally I blame excessive use of coke and X for the brain damage that lead to this lunacy. On a related topic can someone explain the headbands that cover the ears? They just seem odd to me.

Now for one that no one wants to talk about but we all are secretly living in fear of: granny panties! Now I know that you are as concerned by this as I am. Who thought of these? It must have been sexually frustrated nuns who did not want anyone else looking sexy either. Have you ever seen these in the Sears catalog? Even as a hormonal teenager they didn't do anything for me. Who thinks a pair of undies that can serve as an emergency rain poncho looks good? I mean really. Ok. Maybe grannies but no one should wear them prior to retirement. If you are wearing them right now and do not have an AARP card please go to Victoria's Secret as soon as possible.

Thank you for making changes to your wardrobes to get away from these Abercrombie abominations. Please excuse me while I change out of my lime green leisure suit and into my paisley sweats.

Reasons I Like Being a Guy - Restrooms

Ladies please do not take offense but I like being a guy. There are many reasons and I may write other blogs if any of you actually like this one. I decided to start with the easiest and future topics will cover the more delicate issues. This one is about the bathroom! I do not claim all of these as original but some of them I think I made up!

1. The world is my urinal. Trees and fire ant hills are the best! Do not get to close to the fire ant hills though.
2. I do not need someone else to go with me when I need to go and would not go if another guy asked me if I needed to. I can hold it!
3. Two words: Stadium troughs. 
4. The lines are shorter at public restrooms.
5. Aim or not aiming. It is freedom in its truest form!
6. If a guy is in a stall with the door locked you know what is happening and that haste should be made in your departure.
7. Guy bathroom etiquette: Eyes front. No conversation. Move on.
8. Potpourri, extra mirrors and actually couches are not allowed.

I hope these have helped you share my joy in being a male of the species. If you don't like them then I'm sure I can find something in Freud to explain it. 

Next time: Reasons women have more power than men!

Chips

There are a few differences in the linguistic traditions of the British Empire and those of us on this side of the pond in the Colonies. Translation: The English say things in a funny way! But we still love them! If I were to drive a lorry up, take a lift and talk to a frog on the way to your flat, you would wonder what drugs I was on in America. However, in London you would think I drove a truck, got on an elevator, spoke to a Frenchman and went to your apartment. Isn't the second one a lot easier?

Those make a little bit of sense to me. A lift instead of an elevator actually makes more sense since it save time and three syllables. A flat instead of an apartment is better because they are not apart but all squished together and they are supposed to be flat, There was this one apartment I had in college that was not flat. I caught the mice spreading flower in the hall and trying out their tiny little skis on a black diamond slope. And frog instead of Frenchman makes sense because they eat lots of frog legs – or so I have heard – and you know that you are what you eat. Could we also call them snails due to the eating of escargot? And lorry is just... well... hmmm... I knew a Lori who was a trucker.

There is one British word that makes no sense to me: chips. In America, chips come in a bag and are typically made of potatoes, corn, blue corn, vegetables, meat or anything else we can slice thin and drop in a vat of boiling oil. In England a chip is a slice of potato that is dropped in a vat of boiling oil which fries them giving them their name in America: fries. They used to be called French fries but then people thought they were made of frogs and we stopped calling them French or something like that. At least we have the same medieval torture cook set in common. An American chip is called a crisp in England which in America is a chip that has been ground up, processes, and made to look like a uniform kind of chip. Slicing seems easier to me but they didn't check with me before making them.

Why are chips not fries? Why are fries not chips? I have a theory that either MI6 or the CIA has a plot to keep us speaking the same basic language but adding in the subtle little differences to keep us doubtful and suspicious of one another so that we will continue to work together but not get so comfortable that we forget that we are different countries. I think the dental care in America will continue to make that distinction without the resulting word war of the secret societies.

I have a solution. Take all the words that are used in Britain that we don't understand and put them in the same category that we do southern words that make no sense either. Consider that as you are pushing your buggy through the Kroger looking for greens and hog jowls.

Running From President

Gore Vidal once said: "Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so." Why would anyone want that job? There is high pressure. Constant criticism. One party or the other is going to hate you all the time and then your own political party will hate you half the time. But I really believe we need a good person in the office of the president. Even times when I have not liked the person serving there I have enjoyed the humor they give us by being themselves. Here are a few things to consider as we face an election year.

• ''Now I even let down my key core constituency: movie stars. Just the other day, Matt Damon -- I love Matt Damon, love the guy -- Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance. Well Matt, I just saw the Adjustment Bureau so right back at you buddy.'' - Barak Obama  
  

  Obama Biden Ticket Womens T-Shirt

That had to hurt!

• ''These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.'' - George W. Bush  
  

  Halloween George W. Bush Mask

I wonder if it helped any?

• ''Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.'' - Bill Clinton  
  

  Halloween Bill Clinton Mask

Am I the only one who appreciates the person under him who wasn't listening is now Secretary of State?

• ''For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks.'' - George H. W. Bush  
  

  George Bush, Miss Me Yet? calendar

Does the sex count under the triumphs or mistakes?

• ''Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.'' - Ronald Reagan  
  

  "President Ronald Reagan Life-Size Cardboard Stand-Up"

Sure! He could remember that but the Contras were over for tea and he couldn't remember their names.

• ''I was America's first instant Vice President -- and now, America's first instant President. The Marine Corps Band is so confused, they don't know whether to play 'Hail to the Chief' or 'You've Come a Long Way, Baby.''' - Gerald Ford  
  

  Pro Tour Memorabilia P90GFBU-F09 Gerald Ford - Classic Series

How about “Twist and Shout” as he fell over the trombone player?

• ''If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.''' - Lyndon Johnson 
  

  Lyndon B. Johnson card

Or if he did swim it would say: “President Caught Breastroking.”

• ''You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure.'' - John F. Kennedy 
  

  John F. Kennedy 4 journal

Surely not.

I hope you have found these great presidential proposals perfectly pleasing. It was fun making fun of them.

Fumes

It has been my great privileged over the years to enjoy some very arresting aromas in the form of the fabulous fragrances of females. It has also be my misfortune to suffer through some assaulting aromas that were intended for harm by some femme fatales. The purpose of this blog is to give guidance to gals guaranteeing the good graces of the guys. (I dare to to say that sentence five times fast!)

Ladies please take careful note of the following suggestions to avoid fragrance faux pas. (By the way, “faux pas” is French for “DON'T EVER WEAR THAT STINKY STUFF AGAIN!!! or something like that.)

• Perfumes named after flowers should be avoided unless you are trying to attract bees or hummingbirds.
• DO NOT buy perfume named after a celebrity who is not old enough to buy their own alcohol! They have not lived long enough to know what smells good.
• If people run from you shouting, “Le pew!” that means that the perfume called “Pepe” is not named for an eccentric supermodel but a cartoon skunk.
• Any perfume that leaves a visible vapor trail may not be the best choice for catching men unless you are trying to poison Batman.
• Anything that is named after a vegetable that no one really likes should be avoided: Beetroot!
• A perfume that refers to bodily fluids may not be the most appealing choice. Secretions is a real French perfume. Perhaps they should stick to snails, towers and fries.
• If you are trying to pick up a toddler then there is a Play-Doh perfume that is right for you. If you like those of us with big boy pants then you may want to reconsider.
• For those of you who like getting guys who never leave the couch, have a happy, distant look on their faces, and cannot keep a job that does not include the phrase, “Do you want fries with that?” then the Cannabis Flower fragrance is just right for you. If you want someone who is not a perpetual stoner then don't take a hit off that one.

These are just a few tips for you ladies out there. Now remember that we guys know what we like in a cologne for us: Beer!

Border Crossing Scents 2865 Borders Crossing Vs1 Estrus Stick

Politics

I want you to understand that I am a registered independent when it comes to politics. Equal opportunity offending is what I shoot for since I don't entirely agree with either of the mainline parties in the United States. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. Now before you make comments or send me e-mails about why your party is best or why I'm an idiot or a fence sitter, please understand that I don't care. My goal is to make fun of politicians regardless of their affiliation.

In case you needed reasons (which I know you don't) to not trust politicians, here are a few of my thoughts and a few of their quotes.

• Look at the word: "Poli" which means many and "tics" which are blood suckers.
• "If pro is the opposite of con then progress must be the opposite of Congress." - Mark Twain
• Many politicians are lawyers. Need I say more?
• Have you ever seen them on TV? They all look like used car salesmen or televangelists with bad toupes.
• They asks questions like, "What does 'is' mean?"
• "I didn't inhale." - Bill Clinton
• "Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted." - George W. Bush
• "Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary  
• "What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" —Marion Barry
• "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." - Ronald Reagan
• "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." - Dan Quayle

 The next time you are watching a political commercial just remember how much harder it would be to do a monologue on late night tv or write a blog without them.